My story isn't much different than many women's and certainly not as severe as others. In October 2014 I became engaged with a boy. From the start, something was always off - I felt myself disconnected and disinterested despite his ravenous pursuits. It got to a point where I began to pull away from him and that was the first moment the manipulation hit full force. When I "left" he found a way to hurt me using another woman. Now, you'd think a smart girl like myself would find disgust in that, but instead (due to months of conditioning) I was running right in to his arms.
This particular back and forth ensued for what felt like ages, but really was just a few months. Before I knew it I was living in Tennessee and dating a guy all the way across the country. We only "officially" dated for 3 months in the summer of 2015 but we were in an intense and destructive relationship long passed that. We broke up because he disagreed with a decision I made in regard to a text message conversation that was had without his consent and it broke me to pieces. I flew to Arizona that weekend while he ran off to Las Vegas. I sat, broken and shattered in front of my parents, completely defeated in tears. That's when girl #2 popped up. That's right, in the same week he broke up with me, he ended up in bed with another woman and I PLEADED for him to pick me still.
Crazy, right? Right. I was legitimately crazy at this point. I was completely devoted to this person who was a psychopathic narcissist (read more about that HERE) and I was going to do anything to prove I was the girl for him. I bought a plane ticket that same day to go see him the following weekend in California to win him back. Was everything picture perfect that weekend? You bet. As if nothing happened - so I went back to TN with so much hope but the abuse continued.
A few "good" months went by and it was time to celebrate his birthday. I flew to California to spend a weekend with him and his closest friends and that weekend was the first time the abuse turned dangerous. Before that, it was all name calling, complete emotional and physical control, devaluing - but that weekend it turned to a 45 minute verbal assault, a broken cell phone, and being left on the side of the road at 4:00am while his "friends" sat idly by. You'd think that would finally be enough - but I took him back and we continued on our rollercoaster affair. A Halloween trip was planned and in those 3 days there was nothing but anger, devaluing, and pain.
December hits and I am finally "done" with him. That was until he drove 6 1/2 hours to visit me in Arizona. He showed up to my house in glorious knight-in-shining fashion and reeled me right back in. I lied to everyone about him being there and spent as much time as I could with him in secret- until, like clockwork, the anger lashed out. Another 4:00am yelling match and broken cell phone later, I was home in shambles laying next to my mother. He then stayed in Arizona with another woman to torment me.
Between December and April we did not see each other but we remained in communication that was volatile and harmful with big promises and bold statements of love, marriage and commitment sprinkled in. I stood firm in my "no" of not seeing him because it was "over" but I was still completely smitten and needing of him. This led to two of the scariest moments of my life. The first was in February when I finally was strong enough to end it forever - and he followed it up with suicidal FaceTime threat in which I had to get the police involved. I felt guilt for bringing him to such a sorrowful moment, so, yet again, I stayed. The second was April 24, 2016.
He was going to be in TN for a few hours, and I made it clear seeing him was never going to happen. Until his manipulation got the best of me and I agreed. We ended up changing his flight so he could stay the whole night together until the morning. We woke up and the monster was released. While I was in the shower, he went through my cell phone and found text exchanges with many of my male friends in which he "hated". When I walked back to my room - his eyes were hate filled and I fell to his feet to beg for forgiveness. I thought I could turn myself in to a doormat to fix the problem - but I could not. From those evil words came the final blow - literally. We were outside my home after almost an hour of being screamed at and he unleashed his rage by breaking, ripping, and throwing my property. I finally got him to leave, but his rage was not satisfied so he sprinted down towards me at full force, grabbed me, looked me in the eye, and flung me to the ground then left forever.
That is the last time I have ever seen his face. Filled with demonic anger, looking over me as I am crying, bleeding, and covered in mud. An evil email moments later and he was forever gone and I was left alone. His life went on "perfectly" after that moment with all the things the world deems worthy - a great job, a new girlfriend, and a new apartment. I was left to pick up the pieces of a broken soul. 6 months later, I am proud to say I am more whole and in love with myself than I have ever been but every day the idea of being a victim is branded on my spirit.
I have not looked at these images since that week. These marks may not seem like much to some, but they were the result of a year and a half of being hated by a man I wanted to give the world to.
After that night, so much weight was taken off of my shoulders and to me, that is what October means. October is not about pumpkin spice lattes but about freedom. I have been freed, I have been saved, from a life surrounded by terror, and instability and worthlessness. I have been freed of the shame, regret and doubt of this relationship. I have been freed to share my story and to stand next to those who are walking the fight every day.
October, you may have lost your beauty for a moment in time, but I declare today that you will forever be the month in which I shine the brightest.
