A Moment of Reflection

As I sit in the bedroom I have called my own for the last 21 years, I realize that my life is so different than what it was the last time I was a permanent resident of this space. 3 1/2 years ago I began my first journey away from home in Oklahoma. Shortly after being there, I realized my plans had to change and eventually moved to Indiana to finish my college education. The girl I was just a few short years ago is someone I can hardly recognize.

It's not the face, or the voice, or the name that has changed; but the girl behind all of that. The last time I was a full-time Arizona dweller, I was arrogant and disrespectful, cocky and shallow, prideful and pigheaded, a fighter who did not need help from anyone. Now, I don't mean to make myself sound like some horrible teenager that must have been the deviant of the city. But what I am getting at, was the girl that sat in this house was not grown up; she was still just a little girl who thought she knew everything. Looking back, I can only laugh at my foolishness because every single moment of every single day I realize just how little I know. How little I know about life, and love, and work, and relationships, and even about God.

Praise be to God that I am not that girl anymore. That even though my flaws are still many, I have pushed away many of the barriers that will set me back in my life. Going in to interviews the last couple of weeks, I could not be more thankful that the 18 year old high school graduate who really just wanted to say how she felt at all times and be "an individual" was not the one talking. You don't realize it til after, but college really changes you. A few years makes a huge difference. 

I also have come to terms with that fact that I am not in control of anything, and I mean ANYTHING. I can not determine my job path, or what the ones I love do, or where I am going to be tomorrow, or even what I will learn in a day. This may be the hardest and scariest change for me. I have a deep desire to be in total control of my life, down to the most finite detail. By the grace of God he has shaken me from that.

All of the major changes that have occurred in my life have prepared me to be the professional woman I am called to be. If I was still that girl, that annoying little girl, I know I would never in a million years make my dreams come true. While I am not there yet (even though every ounce of me wants to be) I know that this moment, on this day, sitting on this bed, is just the next step towards the final destination....wherever that may be. 

Lyrical Remedy

Even though I am one of the biggest talkers ever, sometimes it is hard for me to explain how I am really feeling. Sometimes my head is so overwhelmed that the words I want to say seem to not even exist. Some days, silence is all that I can create. In those days, lyrics make up for my lack of vocabulary. Today is one of those days.

It started off as a normal Wednesday afternoon, with the inclusion of a top-notch outfit and an out of this world hair day. I was pretty excited to see what other good surprises would pop up along the day, cause nothing can go wrong when your nail polish matches your outfit perfectly, right? 

Then the struggle bus came pulling up to my front door, waiting for me to climb aboard. At first, I just ignored it and decided to walk through the day instead. But no matter what, that little booger was following close behind, begging me to be it's only passenger. Though I fought the good fight and stood my ground, I quickly succumbed to it's entrancing powers and boarded that bus like I have never boarded it before.

Instantly, the stress of graduation's impending date (17 days to be exact) quickly became apparent. With that came the suffocating realization of the amount of work I have to accomplish in the next 2 weeks and the pressure to maintain a quality GPA to graduate with honors. Then all of a sudden I began to worry about unemployment. That dirty little word that all fresh-out-of-college students are terrified of. In 19 days I move back to Arizona, yet I have absolutely no idea or plan of where I will be working or what I will be doing. That may be one of the scariest positions I have ever been in.

Then, if I did not already have enough to freak myself out with, the boy drama set in. You know that person who just makes you crazy in the most wonderful way possible? That person that even if you don't talk to anymore makes you an instant vegetable when they are in the room? That person that you should never, in a million years, end up with? Yeah, that person just became another girls' boyfriend. Worst.

Words seem futile in this moment and even in the midst of writing this post, I feel at a loss for words. I am not even heartbroken, or sad, or even mad. I am just speechless. I hate that feeling because I love just sitting and venting and saying everything that is on my heart, and right now I don't know how to do that.

So how do I remedy this momentary pity party? Music; and one song in particular. This by far is my favorite song in the history of songs. If I could tattoo every word of it on my skin, I would. It speaks to my soul in a way that very few things can. It has applied to so many pitfalls and highs in my life, and today is no exception.

This song will get me through the next 19 days of worry, and confusion, and fear but also the rest of my life. I like to pretend it's God singing it to me, telling me that no matter the pain or the worry, no matter how bad you feel right now, "I will try to fix you". To this day, He always has and always will.

What Do I Wanna Be When I Grow Up?

As a Public Relations student, I get asked the same question: "what do you want to do with that?" So I am going to set the record straight now, for all of you who may be wanting to ask me this at some point.

When I grow up I want to work for Fearless Records, a California based label who has bands like blessthefall, For All Those Sleeping, and Mayday Parade. Most of you probably have no idea who any of those are, and that is why I want to work there. So many amazing bands are looked over because they are in the "rock" or "screamo" genre that does not sell on the radio. These are just a few of the talented lineup Fearless Records has and I desperately want to join in on the fight to make these bands big. I have a passion for rock music, it is so deep in my blood that I do not think I can live without it. I want, more than anything, to work in that genre specifically.

Now, on to a serious note. As a female, I already have things going against me in the music industry. It is definitely a male dominated field. There are some amazing PR, marketing and publicity women out there, but it is few and far between. I want to change that; I want to be that strong, impactful woman who changes the face of the industry.

Not only do I have my sex going against me, I have my faith. My relationship with God is not a part of who I am, it is who I am. Fearless Records is not a Christian label; it actually has a few artist who are atheist and hate Christians. Why would I want to go there, and put myself in such a tough situation that could test my faith and pull me through hell? Why not? God came to this earth knowing he would be hated, beaten, loathed and lied about. I should be just as brave to stand up for my faith in such a way that brings glory to His Name. I want to be fearless for God. I want to bring His Love to the unloved. I want to show the world that He is all that they need. I know I can do that the best in a secular world where I am tested and tried.

Being fearless for God is my ultimate goal. Working for Fearless Records only makes sense to reach that.

How Do You Eat an Elephant?

To all of you who do not know me, one thing must be explained: I am the most OCD, structured and scheduled person you will ever meet. I rarely do things on the fly...and when I do I get anxious and stressed out about it. My whole life I have been that anal girl who uses her planner like its the Holy Bible. I go so far as to write down exactly when I am hanging out with a specific friend (which trust me, they all are annoyed by). To put it simply, I am the ultimate Type A personality.

That being said, I rarely can enjoy each day for what it is. I plan the next thing coming up, the next big event in the month, exactly what time I will be at the next place. It is exhausting and draining. I never let it get to me because, let's face it, I do it to myself. No one is to blame but me, yet no one has really sat me down and said "Ivette, you are not enjoying life because you are too wrapped up in controlling every minute of it". That is, until my mom smacked me with words in only a way mom's can do. I was stressing out about all I had to do in the next 3 months, yes you heard me, I was planning things 3 months in advanced. In the midst of my panic attack she asks me "how do you eat an elephant?" Frustrated that she was ignoring my pain I began to get angry with her; who asks such a dumb and odd question in the midst of a crisis?! Before I could get too many words in she, in a peaceful and reserved voice said "one bite at a time" BAM! Never have words stopped me so dead in my tracks as that. I can only do things one day at a time, I can only live one day at a time, I can only enjoy life one day at a time.

Thanks to the words of a woman much wiser than I, I realized that in order to be all that I can be and all that God has made me to be, I must eat my elephant one bite at a time.

Which leads us to reaching my dreams. Ever since I could talk, all I wanted to do was sing. Anytime of the day no matter where I was I would be singing, or humming, or talking about a song or band I liked. I am certain that every one around me was sick of my voice (sorry for that, loved ones) but I could not control my unquenchable love for music.I quickly discovered that I was not going to be able to making singing a career due to the fact that I have a lot of throat and vocal chord issues. At first, devastation and worthlessness were all that consumed me. Until one day I realized there are so many more options in the music world than just singing.

As much as I love to sing, I think I love to talk even more. So, why not talk a lot and  do it in the industry I love most? And that is what I am doing as a Public Relations major. I want to work in the business side of the music industry. This will be a challenge for me if you remember how overly anal I am about things. This industry is always changing, follows no schedule, and is far from organized and precise. All of these things terrify the living daylights out of me; however, I have never been more excited to do it.

Now that I am taking life one day at a time, I feel that working in this industry is the most perfect place for me to practice what I am learning. Some days I am going to want to take three or four bites out of that giant elephant, but I know that one is enough.