A Moment of Reflection

As I sit in the bedroom I have called my own for the last 21 years, I realize that my life is so different than what it was the last time I was a permanent resident of this space. 3 1/2 years ago I began my first journey away from home in Oklahoma. Shortly after being there, I realized my plans had to change and eventually moved to Indiana to finish my college education. The girl I was just a few short years ago is someone I can hardly recognize.

It's not the face, or the voice, or the name that has changed; but the girl behind all of that. The last time I was a full-time Arizona dweller, I was arrogant and disrespectful, cocky and shallow, prideful and pigheaded, a fighter who did not need help from anyone. Now, I don't mean to make myself sound like some horrible teenager that must have been the deviant of the city. But what I am getting at, was the girl that sat in this house was not grown up; she was still just a little girl who thought she knew everything. Looking back, I can only laugh at my foolishness because every single moment of every single day I realize just how little I know. How little I know about life, and love, and work, and relationships, and even about God.

Praise be to God that I am not that girl anymore. That even though my flaws are still many, I have pushed away many of the barriers that will set me back in my life. Going in to interviews the last couple of weeks, I could not be more thankful that the 18 year old high school graduate who really just wanted to say how she felt at all times and be "an individual" was not the one talking. You don't realize it til after, but college really changes you. A few years makes a huge difference. 

I also have come to terms with that fact that I am not in control of anything, and I mean ANYTHING. I can not determine my job path, or what the ones I love do, or where I am going to be tomorrow, or even what I will learn in a day. This may be the hardest and scariest change for me. I have a deep desire to be in total control of my life, down to the most finite detail. By the grace of God he has shaken me from that.

All of the major changes that have occurred in my life have prepared me to be the professional woman I am called to be. If I was still that girl, that annoying little girl, I know I would never in a million years make my dreams come true. While I am not there yet (even though every ounce of me wants to be) I know that this moment, on this day, sitting on this bed, is just the next step towards the final destination....wherever that may be.