You Don't Need Me, But Somehow You Want Me.

Have you ever wanted someone to know you, like actually know you? Every single detail of your story, every curve of your face, every quirk in your personality, every corner of your heart? To have that one person who can feel alongside you, who can read your body language as if it was their own mind, who doesn't need to be told  with words what you need because they have come to learn your heart and desires so truly?

That really is the dream, isn't it? To be so loved that you long for nothing, you lack nothing because that person has brought to you all that you could possibly imagine. Man, what a world we would live in if every single one of us found that one person.

One day not so long ago I believed I had found that in someone and holy cow did it feel good. Love feels so good - it feels like a million butterflies in your stomach all the time. Then one day I woke up and realized that my desire to be so known and loved was no longer achieved by this person. So there I sat, with a burning passion to simply be cared for, to be desired, to have someone pay me some damn attention and the whole world got really lonely. 

The thing about love is that we have been trained to believe that it can only come in one way from one person. We have fantasized this beautiful feeling that can so often go unexplained in to an achievement only reached by a soulmate or "Mr. Right". I make that statement so boldly because more often than not I believe that. In this season of singleness and restoration, I have quickly come to realize that I have always, in every single way, been fully known.

The Lord has shown His Face to me more times than I could even begin to write down but especially so in the last two weeks. I woke up one morning feeling heavy burdened by the weight of so many thoughts and insecurities tied to one person's hold on my heart and knew it was just going to be one of those days. I didn't bother telling anyone how I was feeling but within a few hours of those dark thoughts my phone was quickly filled with texts from some of my closest friends that began with "you were placed on my heart this morning". Instantly I smiled because I knew that even in my silence Jesus heard me and gave me what my heart so deeply needed.

Sunday morning began with a sermon on JOY and my oh my, did I feel his joy in my heart when I walked out the church doors. I did not even know that I needed to be refilled of joy, I had no idea that my heart was desiring that...but He knew.

The week continued on with small reminders that HE, the Creator of the World, the Orchestrator of the Waves, the Master of the Skies cared for me. From being able to participate in events, to letters and gifts from sweet friends, from the most glorious weather, to hearing the right song on my Spotify at the right time. He knew, he cared, and he showered me with attention. 

The final rush of affection that God brought to my life happened Wednesday afternoon. I have the honor to work with about a dozen Christian music artists who are ministering to the world. One in particular, Tenth Avenue North, showcased their upcoming album to the whole label and influential partners. I have heard bits and pieces of this album over the course of the creation, but this was the first moment when it all came together. One song called "Control" stood out to me and energized me. I hate talking about this magnificent piece of art because you are incapable of hearing it for a few months by the lyrics...my goodness the lyrics are my new life anthem.

"God You don't need me, but somehow You want me
Oh how You love me, somehow that frees me
To take my hands off of my life and the way it should go
Oh God You don't need me, but somehow You want me
Oh how You love me, somehow that frees me
To open my hands up and give you controlI give you control"

I am wanted. I am loved. I am desired. I am cherished. I am cared for. I am chosen. 

And so are you. With or without a man. 

How to Spot A Gentleman.

Dating is legitimately one of the most stressful parts of being a human being - especially a human being in the twenty something age group. You have a million reminders staring you in the face that you are *alone*. You feel pressured to be on every dating app possible knowing full well you won't find a worthy suitor however, you go ahead and waste your life swiping away. When you decide to actually meet up with your tinder-prince or your coworkers "really cool neighbor" or that guy that approached you at the bar that one time, it usually winds up being a total nightmare.

Ladies, I feel you because I have had my fair share of dating nightmares. So, to save myself from ever ending up on the wrong side of a date and keep you from experiencing some of the most uncomfortable moments of the best years of your life, here is a guide to what a real gentleman is.

1. He does not offer to pump your gas at 1am.

2. He spends hours talking about himself.

3. He doesn't enjoy anything that wasn't his idea.

4. He includes racial slurs, degrading terms, and negative names in his daily conversation.

5. He will have relationships with other women behind your back.

6. He will not respect your worth, your property, or your family.

7. He will use your insecurities against you.

8. He will make you feel worthless without him. 

9. He will steal every good thing you hold dear.

10. He will never mean the words "I love you". 

I hope after the first statement you realized this list was as satirical and sarcastic as they come. Maybe that was really harsh of me, maybe that guy is reading this right now with flames coming out of his ears ready to run his mouth - so what. The truth is, shitty guys exist and I am living proof of that. If I had taken one second to really evaluate the situation I was getting myself in to, I can bet everything I own that I would have run so far away in the opposite direction.

All of this to say, that if you doubt for 1 second that he is not a gentleman then he probably is not one. Don't be fooled by loneliness, fancy words, big promises, tattoos, or motorcycles. Don't let seeing another engagement on your newsfeed, another happily ever after movie, or another person's portrayed life affect you. Singleness can suck, Lord Jesus can it suck. But that in no way gives way for you to rush in to something foolishly just to escape carrying around that big scarlet "S".

Take it from someone who spent the better part of a year running around settling for less than the best, that having no boyfriend is infinitely better than having a bad boyfriend. Stay strong, warriors. Stay beautiful, angel faces. Stay confident, sisters. The good ones ARE out there. It is time we start using discernment rather than depression to direct our dating decisions.

A real gentleman will always:

Protect you and your heart

Encourage you through all things

Elevate your spirits

Love you unconditionally

Support you whole heartedly

Speak truth in to your life out of love

Guide you spiritually

Guard you emotionally

Respect you 

Lead with wisdom

Humble himself

Wait with patience and grace for that man. 

True Love Exists.

I have started and stopped a post at least a dozen times over the past couple of months. Some days it starts off as a letter to the villain who is not worthy of my words. Some days it starts off as a journal entry about the state of my heavy heart and disheveled mind. Some days it is even for the girl who came after me to try to "show her the light" and "save her". Today is not the time and place to delve in to those topics full force, but before I get in to the meat and potatoes of this post, I do want to address them solely for the purpose of giving myself some peace.

To him - You are prayed for. Despite your vile heart, your toxic ways, your foolish and selfish antics, and your constant desire to harm, you are a child of the One True God. He loves you, He finds you worthy, and He died for you and I hope you find your way back to the man he made you to be. I don't like you right now and I don't foresee a day I ever will again, but for every way I hate you I also am thankful for you.

To her - I wish I could shake you, wish I could remove the blinders from your eyes, wish I could show you the dangerous path you are quickly traveling down. I want to hate you for the relationship you have with him far too quickly after the worse day of my life. However, I cannot for one second because I understand how you can fall for a snake. I pray you never get treated the way I did, but if you do as I unfortunately believe you will, I pray for healing.

---------

The real reason this posts exists is to highlight what today is. I have been wallowing around for quite some time because of a bad relationship. I have been living selfishly, I have been hiding and lying and living in the shadows. I have segregated myself from the world in so many ways and turned in to a shell of the Ivette Alexandra Vargas I once was. In all of these horrific months, not a single person abandoned me when they so fully had reason to. Not one friend turned their back on me, not one friend gave up on me, not one friend loved me any less.

Today is #NationalBestFriendDay and by golly do I know for a fact that I have the worlds best. So, this post goes out to you guys, the truest definition of love that has ever existed:

Ashley, Dallas, Melissa, Tracy, Kate, Alissa, Emma, Stephen and Zach.

I am on the brink of tears right now thinking about each and everyone of you. You are my heroes. You are my strength. You are my joy. You are my laughter. You are my favorite headache and biggest pride. There is nothing on this earth I treasure more than you. Every single moment of every day you have known me, each of you have showered me with love and support and patience (because the good Lord knows you need it when dealing with me).

Thank you. Thank you a million times over for existing and breathing life in to me when I am hard to love. Thank you for cheering me up on a bad day and bringing out the craziest and goofiest sides of me. Thank you for constantly supporting my dreams, even if they are stupid. Thank you for never asking me to be anything but myself. Thank you for always making time for me. Thank you for reminding me who I am. Thank you for being there for me when I couldn't even be there for myself.

These last few months haven't been easy on me, but as hard as they are on me, I know they are equally as hard on you. You have felt every pain alongside me, You have broken at my brokenness. You have cried for me and with me, but you have also been the light that brings me out of those tears. I am sorry for the days that I haven't been the friend to you that you deserve. I am sorry for not always appreciating you and letting a useless human being get in between us. I could never ever explain to you what you mean to me, but even more so during this hard and painful season.

So, while there are other people out there who sometimes take my attention away or fill my thoughts when they shouldn't, please know that you are always in my heart. 

I love you. Infinitely, Enternally, Unconditionally.