Take the "Date" out of "Dating"

As a single 23 year old woman, dates have become a much more common occurrence in my life post-grad. I spent much of my teen and college years focused on my school work rather than my relationship life, and now that I no longer shove my face in textbooks every night I have joined the "dating scene". In this time, I have had the honor of going on some amazing dates with some truly remarkable men of character. In contrast, I have also found myself sitting across from Joe Schmo thinking in my head "if this is the best the world has to offer I am going to die alone". 

Back to the positives, though. I have been treated to some of the most delicious meals, spoiled with a fantastic wine list, surprised by flowers and thoughtful gifts, and swept of my feet with romantic and chivalrous gestures. I have sat across men who make deep conversations, asked wonderful questions, an have smiled all night at my crazy stories as if they are the most important thing they have ever heard. I have been complimented by cheesy pick up lines and thoughtful comments and have felt connections that were burning red. 

So then why am I single if my dating life has been so positive? 

The problem with dating is that the dates seem to be more important than the process. A relationship cannot be built on a few hours spent in a strategically planned location or event that can easy brew up giddy and romantic feelings. Dates are a tool to express the feelings and interest you have in a person not what determines if you are going to be a compatible couple. You can have an amazing date, with great conversation filled with laughter and sweet talking but not work out as a couple. 

Dates are wonderful, don't get me wrong. As a female, it's often more thrilling to prepare for the date than the date itself. There is so much anticipation and nerves, you plan every facet of your outfit and appearance to make the best impression, you play out possible conversations with your closest girl friends and it makes you feel like a 12 year old girl all over again.

There is more to love than dates. It's about the moments between the goodnight and the next face-to-face interaction that determine whether or not that person is someone you should be pursuing a future with. Anyone can put on a pretty face, say and do all the right thingss on a date but the real "you" always comes out. You may be getting defensive now by my statement that we are "fake" on dates. But I can guarantee each and every onw of you have had an element of pretending. Maybe you made up a story about yourself or added fluff to make it seem more extravagant...maybe you have avoided telling a person something about yourself in order to "save face"...maybe you have lied about liking something in order to have something in common with the person. I am guilty of this too. 

If the beauty of love and marriage is going to have any chance of survival, then our generation needs to focus on the courting rather than the dating. The humbleness it takes to let someone in to your heart and life and see every beautiful and dirty crevice is the most incredible displays of love. That takes time and effort outside of a candle lit dinner. Dates keep the fun and energy in a relationship but love cannot survive on fun alone. So, enjoy your dates, go on them as often as your heart desires, but understand that love is not about the "perfect date". 

6 Nasty Habits We All Need to Break.

Life is messy, and it's hard, and some days it down right sucks. Often it is for reasons out of our own control, but lately I have been realizing it has a lot more to do with our personal choices than we like to admit. We can't fix the world and all of it's problems, but we can make things a little more bearable for ourselves and the ones we love if we cut out a few nasty habits. 

Calling other girls "bitches". 

Yes, I know this may seem like a harmless thing to do, but really, we are disrespecting and belittling our own gender. When we have such little concern for women (the same women who struggle with insecurities, doubt, and self-worth just like you do) then men will no longer treat us with value. Just because you don't like what that girl in the club is wearing does not mean she is a bitch. Use that word wisely because if you can call someone else that, then you can also be one as well. 

Thinking you know it all.

Congratulations, you have survived 4 years of high school, 4 years of college, and maybe a few years in the work force. I applaud you on completing these milestones, but in that time you did not become an expert on everything in the whole world. You have learned things, you have experienced things, and you have failed but in no way are you the guru of how life should be lived. Stop thinking you know everything and that you have the right to tell others how they should live their lives. NEWSFLASH you still haven't even lived your life yet. If you feel like you’ve got all your shit together, congratulations...but stop with the humblebragging all over social media about your great new job/car/boyfriend/etc. Smugness is never a good quality.

Dating with no vision.

Our generation has, for some odd reason, become enamored by the idea of "dating around" or, more bluntly, "sleeping around". This literally blows my mind for so many reasons that I do not even have enough time to explain. Dating with no intentions or purpose is confusing for your heart and hurts the hearts of others. It may be fun, it may be exciting, and it may feel really damn good, but in the end it is empty. Dating was intended to lead to marriage not to a romp in the bed. 

Buying stuff. 

Stop spending money you don't have, on things that you don't need, to try to impress people you don't like. I am an advocate for treating yourself to something nice on an occasion, but relying on credit cards is not a way to live life. Try investing your time in to people instead of your money in to things and see how much more fulfilling life becomes.

Stalking people on social media.

I admit, this one is for me. I am preaching at myself right now so feel free to tune out. Spending hours upon hours "creeping" on your ex, or that guy who broke your heart, or that girl you hate for god-only-knows what reason does literally NO good for you. Nothing you will find will comfort you, it only brews more insecurities and pain. They are not part of your life for a reason, so keep it that way.

Criticizing other people's personalities.

Stop calling someone annoying because they like to talk a lot. Stop calling someone stuck up because they are quite. Stop calling someone stubborn because they are strong in their beliefs. Stop calling someone sensitive because they have the ability to feel empathy easier than you. The beauty of human beings is that no two are the same. That is an incredible gift that God has given to each one of us: individuality. Are you going to agree, get along, and like all of them? Absolutely not, but understand that you also have personalities flaws too. 

Dear, Future Husband.

Since you have decided to take your sweet, sweet time in finding me, I thought I would write a letter for you to read once you've shown your beautiful, green-eyed, dark haired, tattooed self to me. Now, don't get your hopes up that this is going to be a sweet love letter about how long I have waited and prayed for you (even though, the good Lord knows I could win a gold medal for just that). Those words will be saved for you one day, but today I just want to apologize. I am not one to admit I am wrong, or tell you my short-comings, so treasure this moment and I hope you will forgive me for my flaws.

I am sorry for the way I eat. My goodness am I sorry. I pick out the things I like in mixed nuts, trail mix, and variety bags of snacks and then put them back as if I did nothing wrong. I drink my orange juice straight from the carton, which means if you want some refreshment you have to live with my saliva residue. I get food in my hair  and on my clothes if I am not careful because I get too excited and dig in to it like a wild animal.

I am sorry for being a terrible housewife. I literally am terrified of the stove, the oven, and anything that is useful in making a substantial and worthy meal. I cannot even make a decent pasta, which is literally just boiling pasta and adding a pre-made sauce; a monkey could make you a better dinner than I could. I wish that I could fill your belly with delicious meals, but you're most likely going to have to take charge in the kitchen or you may starve to death.

I am sorry that I do not have an "inside voice". You probably discovered this the day you met me, but I have no concept of the idea of being quiet. Even my silent voice and whisper is louder than the average person's yelling voice. I try my best but my big mouth just likes to make a lot of noise all the time. You will probably get super annoyed by me, especially in movies, and I am sorry that I will drive you crazy all the time.

I am sorry for making everything about LOTR. I have an unhealthy obsession with the J.R.R. Tolkien series and it will inevitable seep in to every facet of our lives. We will watch the movies more times than someone would think is humanely possible, we will have decorations in our home, and if I can trick you in to it, we will even have it as a part of our wedding/honeymoon. Everyone you meet will think your wife is crazy for loving the fantasy-world filled with elves, hobbits, and orcs.

And most importantly,

I am sorry for everything else. It is inevitable that I will not show you respect and love in everything that I say and do to you. I am terrible at apologizing and it is instinctual for me to take a defensive stance. I will mess up a lot, and I will not always take responsibility for those mistakes but I need you to know that, with every part of me, I am sorry.

I don't know who you are, where you are, or when I will find you, but when it happens it will be a dream come true. If you can learn to love the annoying things about me (you can ask my parents for tips since they have suffered through it for 23 years) then I know we can conquer the world. Feel free to come out of hiding anytime soon, however, preferably wearing a jean jacket, vans, and ray bans.

The Truth of the Matter Is, You Suck.

You do not deserve good things. You want to know why? Because you are a sucky person. Yeah, that's right, I am talking to you. You are a selfish, and corrupt creature who hurts people with your words, your actions, and your lack of respect. You use people, you lie, you cheat, you steal, and you believe that your life is more important than the person sitting next to you. Yeah, you may do amazing things but at the core of you who are you a sinner. 

Now, don't think I am pointing my flawless finger at you acting like I am any better because I sure as heck know I am not. I am guilty of all those things and more and continue to have to fight to be a good person but I am sick of our generation acting as if they are entitled to the world. If I hear one more self-entitled rant come out of a 20-something's mouth I may snap. So time for a reality check, for all of us.

Living life anticipating things to just come your way and to have it play out exactly how you want it to is selfish. Women walk around expecting men to be a certain way, have certain qualities, and do all these extravagant things for them. This is one of the most irritating things to me because when you expect things out of people you are automatically setting them up for failure. They will never be, do, or say exactly what you want them to do. When that happens people simply walk away thinking that there is something better out there and that the next person will meet these unrealistic goals you have set for them. Newsflash, both of you are sucky people and will do sucky things sometimes and it is unfair for you to hold them to these expectations when you can't reach them either. 

People get irritated when their job situation is not what they feel they are worthy of. They constantly think that simply because they want things to happen for them that it should just be that way. That person you think is so "lucky" because they always get the best jobs and live a charmed life are nothing more than blessed. They don't deserve those things just like you don't but by the grace of God they were given them. 

You have been given the opportunity and blessing of finding true love, having a job, being financially successful but in no way do you DESERVE these things. The only thing we deserve is the opportunity to pursue happiness. But, happiness itself isn't something that we’re supposed to get. If you do a job for a set rate of pay, you deserve to get paid that amount. If you order food at a restaurant, you deserve to have that food delivered to you, and you also deserve for that food to be edible. But, you don’t deserve to like your job, and you don’t deserve to enjoy your food. Happiness, love...all of those are extras.

The word "expect" should be banned completely from the English vocabulary. It is a curse word and it causes more harm than good. It disappoints, it embarrasses, it frustrates, and it causes tension. 

For Her.

My friend, you are not your addiction.

You are strong and beautiful, you are confident and witty, you have life and love flowing through your veins. Your energy is infectious, your friendship is loyal, your sense of humor is superior to many people I have met. You are relentless and you fight for what you believe in, you find joy in the smallest things, and you have an easiness about you that makes others feel at home. You have a harsh exterior, but you are only defensive because you know what you want in life and will not let any one steal that from you. That is who you are.

The struggle you are dealing with every day does not define the women you are or will be. It is a bump in the road, it is a thorn in your back, but it is not your soul. The choices you are making are not the best, and you know that, but choices and character are two separate entities. Do not ever believe that you cannot survive this battle and do not let the guilt and worthlessness that is in your head win.

I do not know what it feels like to be in your shoes. I have no idea what living life day-to-day with dependency on a substance feels like. I can never understand what it is like to feel the need to take something in order to be a "better" version of you and make it through the day. I can never relate to the internal battle you have with yourself every day. But I do how to love, and how to hold your hand.

I will walk beside you on the days you cannot stand up. I will remind you every day of the potential you have within you. I will constantly support you even if you stumble along the way because you are stronger than the war waging inside. Today you are struggling, and hurting, and lost, but you can only make it through this one day at a time. You cannot become a gold medal Olympian in one day; it takes good days and bad days. Moments of doubt and wanting to quit to feeling the highs of beating your personal best. The struggle is constant, but tomorrow is the shining light at the end of the tunnel.

In my eyes, you are a champion. You are fighting with every ounce of strength you have within you. You get knocked out some days, and it is hard to recover from those moments, but you still wake up and press on. The fight will last more than one round, but I am in your corner cheering you on until the day you hold your arms up in victory. You are more than a habit, you are a hero.

My Life Explained Through Gifs.

At 23 years old, people begin to ask me the same repetitive and annoying questions each and every time I see them. I love these people, and they are only doing it out of love, but just because I haven't paved my life out in the exact same timeline you have does not mean that I am doomed to go no where. I can guarantee the majority of you reading this are in the same position as me, and you are sick of it. So, if anyone ever asks you these any of these 10 questions feel free to kindly shove this post down their throats.

1. Why aren't you dating someone/engaged/married yet?

I proudly have an intense, loud, and overall insane personality. My milkshake sure doesn't bring the boys to the yard, and I am OK with that.

2. Don't you want to get married and start a family?

In case you didn't know, there isn't an age limit on how old you have to be to get married, so calm down.

3. Do you ever get lonely?

I find myself to be quite hilarious, no one can make me laugh like I can...but also wine, it is a good companion.

4. Can I set you up? 

Seriously, I have no interest in meeting your best friend's neighbors third cousin who just moved to Arizona but thanks anyways. 

5. When are you going to move out of your parents house?

If that is an invitation to provide me free rent, food, and gas then I will move out yesterday.

6. Does your tattoo mean anything?

Nope, I just decided to have a needle burn in to my flesh for hours just because I thought a butterfly was pretty.

7. How much money will you/do you make?

In what universe is this an appropriate question to ask someone?

8. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

I see nothing wrong with that life goal.

9. Do you really think that's the best way to spend your money?

You don't see me judging you on the million Starbucks specialty drinks, obnoxious amount of yoga pants, and over abundance of Victoria's Secret items you purchase.

10. Aren't you a little too old for that?

Disney for the win, no other answer is necessary.

KTHANKSBYE. 

Revelation 21:4-5

When I was 11 years old I met my future husband. He was the cutest boy I had ever seen. His big blue eyes were always staring at me from across the Sunday School classroom, he would always try to stand next to me in lines, and he never once picked on me or called me names like the rest of the elementary school boys did. For 2 years, he asked me to be his girlfriend and for 2 years I always said no. But he never once gave up, he never once stopped asking, then all of a sudden he was no longer at church. 

Fast forward, I am now 15 years old and have completely forgotten about my childhood crush until the day he Myspace friend requested me. Almost 2 years had passed, but as soon as I saw his name and his face all my school-girl butterflies came back and I knew I was still gonna marry him. After a few months of "talking" he, once again, asked me to be his girlfriend like he had many times before, and this time I blurted out "YES!". For 6 months, everything was magical and wonderful (well, as wonderful as it can be at 16 years old) until the world fell apart.

On July 15, 2007 I had to kiss him goodbye as he was headed for a rehabilitation facility for his very severe drug addiction. Never in my entire life did I think that I would end up with someone so wrapped up in a destructive lifestyle, but I did. But just like he never gave up on me, I never gave up on him. I continued our relationship the entire time he was in the facility, with absolutely no contact with him during that time. On December 12, 2007 I was finally reunited with him, he had completed his program and was cleared to go home to be with me. That kiss, on that day, is by far the most memorable kiss I have ever had. It also was the last kiss he ever gave to me because just 9 days later, my beautiful boy made one more foolish decision that ended his life.

There are so many gory and depressing details that I am skipping over mostly because those were some of the darkest days of my life, and reliving them is not something I enjoy doing. I missed him more and more every day, and the grieving only increased with time. I felt angry, hurt, and abandoned. While I had not touched drugs even once, they had completely destroyed my life...

...or so I thought.

Looking back on what was 2,250 days ago, I now realize that drugs are the reason I am alive today. They have made me in to a better person. Without that tragic time in my life, I do not think that I could have gained internal strength. I do not think that I would be someone who shows grace, and unconditional love. I do not think that I could ever understand what it means to truly forgive. That relationship, that terrible day, took a lot from me but it also gave me so much more. 

I was destroyed, but the pieces came back together in a way that was new and better than before. God made me beautiful in what was the most ugly, messy, and horrific time in my life. Jacob never gave up on me, I never gave up on him, and God will never gave up on us. It took me a long time to see it, but no matter the struggle, no matter the complete emptiness, no matter what: you will be okay,

I Want an Undesirable Man.

Growing up in a Christian home and going to a Christian school from kindergarten through college I heard many sermons and talks on dating a Man of God. I have spent the last 23 years learning what that type of man looks like; his characteristics, his personality, his desires, his goals, his faith, his passion. My entire life I have grown up believing that the right man is someone with the wisdom of Solomon, the strength of David, the integrity of Joseph, the loyalty of Job, and the unconditional love of Jesus himself. Every single girl wants a man like that, whether or not you are a believer. Those men are changing the world and the way relationships are viewed.

Don't get this twisted, I have had my fair share of guys that do not meet these qualifications...by any means, but I have also let these types of men go without giving them a chance. My dating record...or lack there of...is not sparkling and my taste in guys is often misguided, but I always believed that I would find that perfect Christian man who swept me off my feet and made me feel like a queen. However, over the last couple of months I realized that that kind of man is not the man of God I am looking for.

I want a man of God that is the undesirable one, the abandoned and forsaken, the one no one believes in. I want a man like the prodigal son. A man that has struggled, doubted, sinned, and is far from perfect but realizes his life is and will always be futile without Christ. A man that had everything society deemed as worthy, but realized his worth is only found in his identity with Christ. A man who has fallen so far but yet found a way to pull himself up and walk in the way of the Lord.

I want a man like the good Samaritan. The man who selflessly gave of his time, his money, his safety, and his reputation to help someone in need. Who cared more about a stranger in need then his own good. Who believed that his life is not the only life that matters. Who, despite people's expectations and judgement, managed to change the world.

I am not discounting the amazing characteristics of the male leaders in the Bible, I am not disregarding the fact that so many astounding men of God like that exist. Our churches and society would be is disarray without those warriors of faith, but without the undesirables the picture is not complete. The entire love and grace of God is missed if we do not acknowledge the ugly parts of people's lives and how He can make beautiful things out of the dust.

So, give me a man that is imperfect, messy, broken, and hurting. Because in the darkest times, he has seen the love of God and has overcome; to me that it the most alluring and sexy thing there is.