Sometimes The Devil Wins.

I grew up in a safe household. I had a father who protected my heart, my spirit, and my body. He was the warrior of our family, the provider of our material needs, and the official bear-hug-giver. I had a mother as strong as they come, ready to fight and defend at the drop of a hat. I had an older sister who, while she loved torturing me, truly wanted no harm to come to me. I had a church that surrounded me with prayer-fighters, I had a school that educated me in a safe environment, and I had friends that stood by my side through highs and lows.

I grew up knowing that safety and protection did not come easy, but were a gift given by those around us. I admired the sacrifice of the humble servants in black and blue that patrolled the streets late at night so that I did not have to worry about someone harming me. I looked up to their ability to sacrifice their time and efforts for strangers who, frankly, would never do the same in return. I thanked any and every single person I could for giving me something I did not deserve or work for.

In those years, I never really had reason to believe that my protection would be at risk because I was taught how to avoid it. One day not too long ago, I let those lessons I learned get shoved from my mind. I opened myself up to a situation where there would be no security, only harm. I made that choice, I let that door stay open and chose to walk through it every day. I let my safety fall to the wayside for a momentary string of emotional highs.

Once I was stripped of that safety I needed those Men in Blue to come to my rescue. I needed my bodyguards, the one's who I spent 25 years looking up to and supporting to be on my side...but they didn't show up. How is that possible? How could I possibly be left in the dust without any support from them when I was beaten and broken by another human being? How could they do nothing to help me after my property was ripped apart right in front of me? How could they sit by idly?

These thoughts have been rattling around in my head for months now. These thoughts are not good ones, they are not kind ones, and they sure as hell do nothing for my heart. But they are real. I was so quick to blame them for not "doing their job" when the root of the issue is not these men, but the source of all evil in the world.

Right now, the devil is winning. His grip is strong right now and his power is evident in my life. He has found a battle that he can have victory in. Right now, his ability to refrain the legal system from helping me along is stronger than God's ability to right all wrongs. No one wants to admit that the devil has a hold of their life, but sometimes...he just does.

The key phrase in this is "right now". This is a TEMPORARY win for him. He is grinning his hate-filled grin right now knowing that he has beaten me in this season, but man, the day of the Lord is coming. The day of God's justice and redemption is around the corner. The battle is waging on, but the war is OVER. "It is finished". Those words are branded on my skin forever, and even though I see them every day I still forget that the end of the story is already written. The Lord has finished it all, His Will is coming in to fruition, even though right now it seems impossible.

The safety I grew up believing came from those around me has always, and will always, only be found in HIM. He will protect me, he will justify my pain, and He will overcome. Good luck, Satan, I dare you to try to cross my Warrior.

Love Like Adele And Jesus.

How did Jesus do it? How did he look down from the Cross and love those below Him? How did His heart have such grace for a multitude of people who were spitting on him, berating him, condemning him, lying about him. How could be possibly forgive the very people he loved so much and gave himself to for what they have done?

I wish I could understand that level of love. I wish I could express unconditional forgiveness, not out of selfish intent, not out of superficial reasoning, but out of honest sincerity. I want that, I want to be able to look at my aggressor and shower him with the love of God that was showered on me the day, He gave his life, selflessly, for a selfish being like me. I try so hard to be that, but I fall so short every time, and what makes it worse is when I hear songs that are full of more grace than my heart is.

Adele, arguably one of the most resonant voices in the industry in a decade, has a career built on the honesty and heartbreak of life and love. Her songs ooze emotion and pain, but I find it the most funny that no matter how much her heart is hurting, she has grace. She shows God's love better than I do, and that...sucks. Songs like "Send My Love" and "Someone Like You" are just two examples of this. She is devastated by the choices that have lead them to this season of pain and brokenness. She speaks about what it feels like to be abandoned and lonely...but then she comes in swinging with the refrain...that she hopes WELL for them. She hopes for a positive and successful future for the person that brought her to the weakest places of her life. 

I am not one to glorify celebrities and try to find Christianity in everything. There are things in this world that are just things, beautiful and creative things, things that have nothing to do with the truth of Jesus especially in the music industry. But, as I have been processing through heartbreak, I've heard these songs in a new light and have felt a sense of guilt. Adele, an artist who does not claim to have a living, breathing relationship with the Lord and Savior so much easier exemplifies a minute version of the type of love that Jesus displays for me, His offender. 

I gotta tell you, that definitely has hurt me. It has made me feel like an inferior believer, like I am living a fake life and not truly living out my faith. None of those feelings are true, but it definitely is a wake up call when you can find more Jesus in someone else than yourself. I still don't know how Jesus does it, I don't know how Queen Adele does it, and maybe I never fully will, but in this season I need to pursue that type of grace and forgiveness.

Harboring hate and resentment about a past love harms not only yourself, but whatever future love comes next. Carrying that bitterness is toxic and never coming to terms with those feelings and emotions will only cause them to rear their ugly head in the worst way possible. Right now, I definitely don't wish the best for the one who did me wrong, but here's to trying to be a little more like Adele and a lot more like Jesus.