Why I Am Waiting Until Marriage.

Admit it, you clicked this link to hear about why I am not having sex until my wedding day didn't you? You wanted to see what sort of biblical-mumbo-jumbo I was going to spit in order to back up my belief in celibacy whether to criticize or to celebrate it. Well, sorry to disappoint you, reader, but that ship has already sailed. Yes, I admit it, I am not a virgin. *GASP* how shocking that a 25 year old Christian female would admit that she has, in fact, had sex. The point of this blog is not to talk about my vow of chastity, but my vow to wait until marriage.

Confused yet? Let me explain. Most of my life was spent believing that dating leads to marriage. Call it the hopeless romantic in me, call it the product of a healthy and beautiful relationship - whatever you call it it's the truth. Maybe that comes across as a bit fanciful, but that's the foundation that I have built my dating history on. In my 25 years I have been in three defined relationships - one with my high school crush, one with the best-friend-turned-boyfriend, and one with the bad boy. None of those worked out, clearly, since I am riding the single bus, and unfortunately I did not hold to my belief that dating in turn leads to a life long commitment with most of them. 

That's not to say in the periods of time between those relationship that I was devoid of dates, both good and bad. But what that does mean is that I chose to use the term "dating" to be the start of a process that leads to marriage. In the last 6 months I swore off dating so that I could give my heart and mind some much needed healing. In the last 6 months, marriage has been the furthest thing from my mind. In the last 6 months I have enjoyed the company of myself and my closest friends here in Nashville. But, as the year is coming to an end, I had to have a really serious conversation with myself about the next step in my healing.

So, as my season of singleness progresses - I have decided to build upon the idea that dating leads to marriage that I have always held dear. I am waiting until marriage is the only outcome. I will not be someone's girlfriend unless I believe, with my whole heart, that I can see myself taking their name as my own. That sounds so outlandish to say (and even more to understand) but I truly believe that at this phase in my life, the next person is the last person. I will not succumb my heart to another breakup, I will not allow my time to be invested in a temporary moment. This doesn't mean I am not open to dates in the future, but I will live in discernment and honesty about what my feelings and intentions are, always. 

Waiting for "the one" seems daunting, but I would rather be patient for the love I so desire than pass my heart from hand to hand with hopes that it will fall in to the lap of a viable man. So, I wait. 

Wake Me Up When October Ends.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. How ironic is that? That my historically favorite time of the year is now a month memorializing the worst year and a half of my life. It's funny how life works like that, isn't it? That something so beautiful can also be so laced with hurt and agony? The more I think about this, though, the more I realize that October simply became more beautiful because it is a chance for me to embrace my story, to share my strength, and to speak out on something so vile.

My story isn't much different than many women's and certainly not as severe as others. In October 2014 I became engaged with a boy. From the start, something was always off - I felt myself disconnected and disinterested despite his ravenous pursuits. It got to a point where I began to pull away from him and that was the first moment the manipulation hit full force. When I "left" he found a way to hurt me using another woman. Now, you'd think a smart girl like myself would find disgust in that, but instead (due to months of conditioning) I was running right in to his arms.

This particular back and forth ensued for what felt like ages, but really was just a few months. Before I knew it I was living in Tennessee and dating a guy all the way across the country. We only "officially" dated for 3 months in the summer of 2015 but we were in an intense and destructive relationship long passed that. We broke up because he disagreed with a decision I made in regard to a text message conversation that was had without his consent and it broke me to pieces. I flew to Arizona that weekend while he ran off to Las Vegas. I sat, broken and shattered in front of my parents, completely defeated in tears. That's when girl #2 popped up. That's right, in the same week he broke up with me, he ended up in bed with another woman and I PLEADED for him to pick me still.

Crazy, right? Right. I was legitimately crazy at this point. I was completely devoted to this person who was a psychopathic narcissist (read more about that HERE) and I was going to do anything to prove I was the girl for him. I bought a plane ticket that same day to go see him the following weekend in California to win him back. Was everything picture perfect that weekend? You bet. As if nothing happened - so I went back to TN with so much hope but the abuse continued.

A few "good" months went by and it was time to celebrate his birthday. I flew to California to spend a weekend with him and his closest friends and that weekend was the first time the abuse turned dangerous. Before that, it was all name calling, complete emotional and physical control, devaluing - but that weekend it turned to a 45 minute verbal assault, a broken cell phone, and being left on the side of the road at 4:00am while his "friends" sat idly by. You'd think that would finally be enough - but I took him back and we continued on our rollercoaster affair. A Halloween trip was planned and in those 3 days there was nothing but anger, devaluing, and pain.  

December hits and I am finally "done" with him. That was until he drove 6 1/2 hours to visit me in Arizona. He showed up to my house in glorious knight-in-shining fashion and reeled me right back in. I lied to everyone about him being there and spent as much time as I could with him in secret- until, like clockwork, the anger lashed out. Another 4:00am yelling match and broken cell phone later, I was home in shambles laying next to my mother. He then stayed in Arizona with another woman to torment me. 

Between December and April we did not see each other but we remained in communication that was volatile and harmful with big promises and bold statements of love, marriage and commitment sprinkled in. I stood firm in my "no" of not seeing him because it was "over" but I was still completely smitten and needing of him. This led to two of the scariest moments of my life. The first was in February when I finally was strong enough to end it forever - and he followed it up with suicidal FaceTime threat in which I had to get the police involved. I felt guilt for bringing him to such a sorrowful moment, so, yet again, I stayed. The second was April 24, 2016.

He was going to be in TN for a few hours, and I made it clear seeing him was never going to happen. Until his manipulation got the best of me and I agreed. We ended up changing his flight so he could stay the whole night together until the morning. We woke up and the monster was released. While I was in the shower, he went through my cell phone and found text exchanges with many of my male friends in which he "hated". When I walked back to my room - his eyes were hate filled and I fell to his feet to beg for forgiveness. I thought I could turn myself in to a doormat to fix the problem - but I could not. From those evil words came the final blow - literally. We were outside my home after almost an hour of being screamed at and he unleashed his rage by breaking, ripping, and throwing my property. I finally got him to leave, but his rage was not satisfied so he sprinted down towards me at full force, grabbed me, looked me in the eye, and flung me to the ground then left forever.

That is the last time I have ever seen his face. Filled with demonic anger, looking over me as I am crying, bleeding, and covered in mud. An evil email moments later and he was forever gone and I was left alone. His life went on "perfectly" after that moment with all the things the world deems worthy - a great job, a new girlfriend, and a new apartment. I was left to pick up the pieces of a broken soul. 6 months later, I am proud to say I am more whole and in love with myself than I have ever been but every day the idea of being a victim is branded on my spirit.

 

I have not looked at these images since that week. These marks may not seem like much to some, but they were the result of a year and a half of being hated by a man I wanted to give the world to.

I have not wanted to share this part of my life until recently when I was standing on the stage of the Nashville Women's Rescue Mission surrounded by beautiful sisters who I could relate to, who I could understand, and who I could cry with. I stood so freely in that space and spoke about what had transpired in the months before and was able to grip these women in my arms as we stood as testaments of survival and strength.

After that night, so much weight was taken off of my shoulders and to me, that is what October means. October is not about pumpkin spice lattes but about freedom. I have been freed, I have been saved, from a life surrounded by terror, and instability and worthlessness. I have been freed of the shame, regret and doubt of this relationship. I have been freed to share my story and to stand next to those who are walking the fight every day.

October, you may have lost your beauty for a moment in time, but I declare today that you will forever be the month in which I shine the brightest.

Lessons in Love by a Single Millennial With a Bad Track Record.

What is love? How do you answer that? Is it a feeling, is it just something "you know"? Ask anyone in love and they will each define it differently based on their experience and their relationship. That is kind of the beauty of that word, of that action - it is unique and undefinable. It transcends understanding and is a powerful force, a sacred and beautiful gift. If you had asked me that question 6 months ago, I would have had an answer because I was "in love with the man of my dreams".

This man of my dreams turned out to be the boy of my nightmares and what once looked like love was actually complete and under destruction. I was convinced I loved him - and even worse I was convinced he loved me - but not one moment of my time with him held a remnant of love. The end of the relationship was the worst day of my life - I have never cried so many tears and felt such deep pain in my chest - but by the grace of God it was also the best. I took that moment and turned it around in to a lesson on healthy Godly dating. I learned more about what love is by not being in love with him.

Messy not manipulated. Anytime people are involved in something it is messy because we all have feelings and desires and selfishness that gets in the way of perfection. Messy is beautiful, though, because it shows honesty and rawness in all of its glory. What love is not, however, is a manipulation of that mess. It is not about one person's feelings and desires being more important than the other - it is about understanding each other's differences and dealing with them with grace and patience rather than fear and aggression.

Tender not toxic. The perfect example of this truth in my life is my sweet daddy - he has the most gentle and tender way about him. He loves with pureness and warmth that surpasses any love I have ever seen. This is love - love is a deep desire, a furious kindness. It is, under no definition of the word, a vile situation filled with hatred, retribution, and abuse. Toxicity comes in many forms - but at the root of those forms is selfish narcissism. There is no place for that in love. Love cannot live where the darkness resides.

Honest not hostile. Communication is key in any relationship but especially in a romantic one. If that communication is filled with constant misrepresentations of the truth or hiding things behind false promises and pretty pictures then there is no truth. If you are too scared to say what you feel, if you are worried about the outcome of a conversation, if you don't feel comfortable enough to share parts of yourself with another because you think it will cause a fight - then you are no longer living in honesty but in hostility. No person has the right to belittle you, especially the truest and most honest version of yourself.

Fierce not fatal. False love can so easily be felt as true because of the heat and intensity in which it shows itself. Fierce love is passion and compassion in a beautiful tango - it has fire and desire and affection and respect all at once. Fatal love - the kind of love that parades itself as fierce - is temporary and fleeting. It is ultimately the cause of a broken heart, the demise of a relationship. It leaves ashes in the place of a heart and never satisfies.

I haven't been in love, I probably haven't been anywhere near the vicinity of it, but I have been on the opposite end of it and see with deeper clarity what it truly looks like. I know my heart isn't ready to fall, but I know the day it happens, it will happen with rapturous force. My lesson has been learned and the deep philosopher Haddaway had it all right back in 1993.

"What is love, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more". 

Sometimes The Devil Wins.

I grew up in a safe household. I had a father who protected my heart, my spirit, and my body. He was the warrior of our family, the provider of our material needs, and the official bear-hug-giver. I had a mother as strong as they come, ready to fight and defend at the drop of a hat. I had an older sister who, while she loved torturing me, truly wanted no harm to come to me. I had a church that surrounded me with prayer-fighters, I had a school that educated me in a safe environment, and I had friends that stood by my side through highs and lows.

I grew up knowing that safety and protection did not come easy, but were a gift given by those around us. I admired the sacrifice of the humble servants in black and blue that patrolled the streets late at night so that I did not have to worry about someone harming me. I looked up to their ability to sacrifice their time and efforts for strangers who, frankly, would never do the same in return. I thanked any and every single person I could for giving me something I did not deserve or work for.

In those years, I never really had reason to believe that my protection would be at risk because I was taught how to avoid it. One day not too long ago, I let those lessons I learned get shoved from my mind. I opened myself up to a situation where there would be no security, only harm. I made that choice, I let that door stay open and chose to walk through it every day. I let my safety fall to the wayside for a momentary string of emotional highs.

Once I was stripped of that safety I needed those Men in Blue to come to my rescue. I needed my bodyguards, the one's who I spent 25 years looking up to and supporting to be on my side...but they didn't show up. How is that possible? How could I possibly be left in the dust without any support from them when I was beaten and broken by another human being? How could they do nothing to help me after my property was ripped apart right in front of me? How could they sit by idly?

These thoughts have been rattling around in my head for months now. These thoughts are not good ones, they are not kind ones, and they sure as hell do nothing for my heart. But they are real. I was so quick to blame them for not "doing their job" when the root of the issue is not these men, but the source of all evil in the world.

Right now, the devil is winning. His grip is strong right now and his power is evident in my life. He has found a battle that he can have victory in. Right now, his ability to refrain the legal system from helping me along is stronger than God's ability to right all wrongs. No one wants to admit that the devil has a hold of their life, but sometimes...he just does.

The key phrase in this is "right now". This is a TEMPORARY win for him. He is grinning his hate-filled grin right now knowing that he has beaten me in this season, but man, the day of the Lord is coming. The day of God's justice and redemption is around the corner. The battle is waging on, but the war is OVER. "It is finished". Those words are branded on my skin forever, and even though I see them every day I still forget that the end of the story is already written. The Lord has finished it all, His Will is coming in to fruition, even though right now it seems impossible.

The safety I grew up believing came from those around me has always, and will always, only be found in HIM. He will protect me, he will justify my pain, and He will overcome. Good luck, Satan, I dare you to try to cross my Warrior.

Love Like Adele And Jesus.

How did Jesus do it? How did he look down from the Cross and love those below Him? How did His heart have such grace for a multitude of people who were spitting on him, berating him, condemning him, lying about him. How could be possibly forgive the very people he loved so much and gave himself to for what they have done?

I wish I could understand that level of love. I wish I could express unconditional forgiveness, not out of selfish intent, not out of superficial reasoning, but out of honest sincerity. I want that, I want to be able to look at my aggressor and shower him with the love of God that was showered on me the day, He gave his life, selflessly, for a selfish being like me. I try so hard to be that, but I fall so short every time, and what makes it worse is when I hear songs that are full of more grace than my heart is.

Adele, arguably one of the most resonant voices in the industry in a decade, has a career built on the honesty and heartbreak of life and love. Her songs ooze emotion and pain, but I find it the most funny that no matter how much her heart is hurting, she has grace. She shows God's love better than I do, and that...sucks. Songs like "Send My Love" and "Someone Like You" are just two examples of this. She is devastated by the choices that have lead them to this season of pain and brokenness. She speaks about what it feels like to be abandoned and lonely...but then she comes in swinging with the refrain...that she hopes WELL for them. She hopes for a positive and successful future for the person that brought her to the weakest places of her life. 

I am not one to glorify celebrities and try to find Christianity in everything. There are things in this world that are just things, beautiful and creative things, things that have nothing to do with the truth of Jesus especially in the music industry. But, as I have been processing through heartbreak, I've heard these songs in a new light and have felt a sense of guilt. Adele, an artist who does not claim to have a living, breathing relationship with the Lord and Savior so much easier exemplifies a minute version of the type of love that Jesus displays for me, His offender. 

I gotta tell you, that definitely has hurt me. It has made me feel like an inferior believer, like I am living a fake life and not truly living out my faith. None of those feelings are true, but it definitely is a wake up call when you can find more Jesus in someone else than yourself. I still don't know how Jesus does it, I don't know how Queen Adele does it, and maybe I never fully will, but in this season I need to pursue that type of grace and forgiveness.

Harboring hate and resentment about a past love harms not only yourself, but whatever future love comes next. Carrying that bitterness is toxic and never coming to terms with those feelings and emotions will only cause them to rear their ugly head in the worst way possible. Right now, I definitely don't wish the best for the one who did me wrong, but here's to trying to be a little more like Adele and a lot more like Jesus.

You Don't Need Me, But Somehow You Want Me.

Have you ever wanted someone to know you, like actually know you? Every single detail of your story, every curve of your face, every quirk in your personality, every corner of your heart? To have that one person who can feel alongside you, who can read your body language as if it was their own mind, who doesn't need to be told  with words what you need because they have come to learn your heart and desires so truly?

That really is the dream, isn't it? To be so loved that you long for nothing, you lack nothing because that person has brought to you all that you could possibly imagine. Man, what a world we would live in if every single one of us found that one person.

One day not so long ago I believed I had found that in someone and holy cow did it feel good. Love feels so good - it feels like a million butterflies in your stomach all the time. Then one day I woke up and realized that my desire to be so known and loved was no longer achieved by this person. So there I sat, with a burning passion to simply be cared for, to be desired, to have someone pay me some damn attention and the whole world got really lonely. 

The thing about love is that we have been trained to believe that it can only come in one way from one person. We have fantasized this beautiful feeling that can so often go unexplained in to an achievement only reached by a soulmate or "Mr. Right". I make that statement so boldly because more often than not I believe that. In this season of singleness and restoration, I have quickly come to realize that I have always, in every single way, been fully known.

The Lord has shown His Face to me more times than I could even begin to write down but especially so in the last two weeks. I woke up one morning feeling heavy burdened by the weight of so many thoughts and insecurities tied to one person's hold on my heart and knew it was just going to be one of those days. I didn't bother telling anyone how I was feeling but within a few hours of those dark thoughts my phone was quickly filled with texts from some of my closest friends that began with "you were placed on my heart this morning". Instantly I smiled because I knew that even in my silence Jesus heard me and gave me what my heart so deeply needed.

Sunday morning began with a sermon on JOY and my oh my, did I feel his joy in my heart when I walked out the church doors. I did not even know that I needed to be refilled of joy, I had no idea that my heart was desiring that...but He knew.

The week continued on with small reminders that HE, the Creator of the World, the Orchestrator of the Waves, the Master of the Skies cared for me. From being able to participate in events, to letters and gifts from sweet friends, from the most glorious weather, to hearing the right song on my Spotify at the right time. He knew, he cared, and he showered me with attention. 

The final rush of affection that God brought to my life happened Wednesday afternoon. I have the honor to work with about a dozen Christian music artists who are ministering to the world. One in particular, Tenth Avenue North, showcased their upcoming album to the whole label and influential partners. I have heard bits and pieces of this album over the course of the creation, but this was the first moment when it all came together. One song called "Control" stood out to me and energized me. I hate talking about this magnificent piece of art because you are incapable of hearing it for a few months by the lyrics...my goodness the lyrics are my new life anthem.

"God You don't need me, but somehow You want me
Oh how You love me, somehow that frees me
To take my hands off of my life and the way it should go
Oh God You don't need me, but somehow You want me
Oh how You love me, somehow that frees me
To open my hands up and give you controlI give you control"

I am wanted. I am loved. I am desired. I am cherished. I am cared for. I am chosen. 

And so are you. With or without a man. 

How to Spot A Gentleman.

Dating is legitimately one of the most stressful parts of being a human being - especially a human being in the twenty something age group. You have a million reminders staring you in the face that you are *alone*. You feel pressured to be on every dating app possible knowing full well you won't find a worthy suitor however, you go ahead and waste your life swiping away. When you decide to actually meet up with your tinder-prince or your coworkers "really cool neighbor" or that guy that approached you at the bar that one time, it usually winds up being a total nightmare.

Ladies, I feel you because I have had my fair share of dating nightmares. So, to save myself from ever ending up on the wrong side of a date and keep you from experiencing some of the most uncomfortable moments of the best years of your life, here is a guide to what a real gentleman is.

1. He does not offer to pump your gas at 1am.

2. He spends hours talking about himself.

3. He doesn't enjoy anything that wasn't his idea.

4. He includes racial slurs, degrading terms, and negative names in his daily conversation.

5. He will have relationships with other women behind your back.

6. He will not respect your worth, your property, or your family.

7. He will use your insecurities against you.

8. He will make you feel worthless without him. 

9. He will steal every good thing you hold dear.

10. He will never mean the words "I love you". 

I hope after the first statement you realized this list was as satirical and sarcastic as they come. Maybe that was really harsh of me, maybe that guy is reading this right now with flames coming out of his ears ready to run his mouth - so what. The truth is, shitty guys exist and I am living proof of that. If I had taken one second to really evaluate the situation I was getting myself in to, I can bet everything I own that I would have run so far away in the opposite direction.

All of this to say, that if you doubt for 1 second that he is not a gentleman then he probably is not one. Don't be fooled by loneliness, fancy words, big promises, tattoos, or motorcycles. Don't let seeing another engagement on your newsfeed, another happily ever after movie, or another person's portrayed life affect you. Singleness can suck, Lord Jesus can it suck. But that in no way gives way for you to rush in to something foolishly just to escape carrying around that big scarlet "S".

Take it from someone who spent the better part of a year running around settling for less than the best, that having no boyfriend is infinitely better than having a bad boyfriend. Stay strong, warriors. Stay beautiful, angel faces. Stay confident, sisters. The good ones ARE out there. It is time we start using discernment rather than depression to direct our dating decisions.

A real gentleman will always:

Protect you and your heart

Encourage you through all things

Elevate your spirits

Love you unconditionally

Support you whole heartedly

Speak truth in to your life out of love

Guide you spiritually

Guard you emotionally

Respect you 

Lead with wisdom

Humble himself

Wait with patience and grace for that man. 

True Love Exists.

I have started and stopped a post at least a dozen times over the past couple of months. Some days it starts off as a letter to the villain who is not worthy of my words. Some days it starts off as a journal entry about the state of my heavy heart and disheveled mind. Some days it is even for the girl who came after me to try to "show her the light" and "save her". Today is not the time and place to delve in to those topics full force, but before I get in to the meat and potatoes of this post, I do want to address them solely for the purpose of giving myself some peace.

To him - You are prayed for. Despite your vile heart, your toxic ways, your foolish and selfish antics, and your constant desire to harm, you are a child of the One True God. He loves you, He finds you worthy, and He died for you and I hope you find your way back to the man he made you to be. I don't like you right now and I don't foresee a day I ever will again, but for every way I hate you I also am thankful for you.

To her - I wish I could shake you, wish I could remove the blinders from your eyes, wish I could show you the dangerous path you are quickly traveling down. I want to hate you for the relationship you have with him far too quickly after the worse day of my life. However, I cannot for one second because I understand how you can fall for a snake. I pray you never get treated the way I did, but if you do as I unfortunately believe you will, I pray for healing.

---------

The real reason this posts exists is to highlight what today is. I have been wallowing around for quite some time because of a bad relationship. I have been living selfishly, I have been hiding and lying and living in the shadows. I have segregated myself from the world in so many ways and turned in to a shell of the Ivette Alexandra Vargas I once was. In all of these horrific months, not a single person abandoned me when they so fully had reason to. Not one friend turned their back on me, not one friend gave up on me, not one friend loved me any less.

Today is #NationalBestFriendDay and by golly do I know for a fact that I have the worlds best. So, this post goes out to you guys, the truest definition of love that has ever existed:

Ashley, Dallas, Melissa, Tracy, Kate, Alissa, Emma, Stephen and Zach.

I am on the brink of tears right now thinking about each and everyone of you. You are my heroes. You are my strength. You are my joy. You are my laughter. You are my favorite headache and biggest pride. There is nothing on this earth I treasure more than you. Every single moment of every day you have known me, each of you have showered me with love and support and patience (because the good Lord knows you need it when dealing with me).

Thank you. Thank you a million times over for existing and breathing life in to me when I am hard to love. Thank you for cheering me up on a bad day and bringing out the craziest and goofiest sides of me. Thank you for constantly supporting my dreams, even if they are stupid. Thank you for never asking me to be anything but myself. Thank you for always making time for me. Thank you for reminding me who I am. Thank you for being there for me when I couldn't even be there for myself.

These last few months haven't been easy on me, but as hard as they are on me, I know they are equally as hard on you. You have felt every pain alongside me, You have broken at my brokenness. You have cried for me and with me, but you have also been the light that brings me out of those tears. I am sorry for the days that I haven't been the friend to you that you deserve. I am sorry for not always appreciating you and letting a useless human being get in between us. I could never ever explain to you what you mean to me, but even more so during this hard and painful season.

So, while there are other people out there who sometimes take my attention away or fill my thoughts when they shouldn't, please know that you are always in my heart. 

I love you. Infinitely, Enternally, Unconditionally.