This man of my dreams turned out to be the boy of my nightmares and what once looked like love was actually complete and under destruction. I was convinced I loved him - and even worse I was convinced he loved me - but not one moment of my time with him held a remnant of love. The end of the relationship was the worst day of my life - I have never cried so many tears and felt such deep pain in my chest - but by the grace of God it was also the best. I took that moment and turned it around in to a lesson on healthy Godly dating. I learned more about what love is by not being in love with him.
Messy not manipulated. Anytime people are involved in something it is messy because we all have feelings and desires and selfishness that gets in the way of perfection. Messy is beautiful, though, because it shows honesty and rawness in all of its glory. What love is not, however, is a manipulation of that mess. It is not about one person's feelings and desires being more important than the other - it is about understanding each other's differences and dealing with them with grace and patience rather than fear and aggression.
Tender not toxic. The perfect example of this truth in my life is my sweet daddy - he has the most gentle and tender way about him. He loves with pureness and warmth that surpasses any love I have ever seen. This is love - love is a deep desire, a furious kindness. It is, under no definition of the word, a vile situation filled with hatred, retribution, and abuse. Toxicity comes in many forms - but at the root of those forms is selfish narcissism. There is no place for that in love. Love cannot live where the darkness resides.
Honest not hostile. Communication is key in any relationship but especially in a romantic one. If that communication is filled with constant misrepresentations of the truth or hiding things behind false promises and pretty pictures then there is no truth. If you are too scared to say what you feel, if you are worried about the outcome of a conversation, if you don't feel comfortable enough to share parts of yourself with another because you think it will cause a fight - then you are no longer living in honesty but in hostility. No person has the right to belittle you, especially the truest and most honest version of yourself.
Fierce not fatal. False love can so easily be felt as true because of the heat and intensity in which it shows itself. Fierce love is passion and compassion in a beautiful tango - it has fire and desire and affection and respect all at once. Fatal love - the kind of love that parades itself as fierce - is temporary and fleeting. It is ultimately the cause of a broken heart, the demise of a relationship. It leaves ashes in the place of a heart and never satisfies.
I haven't been in love, I probably haven't been anywhere near the vicinity of it, but I have been on the opposite end of it and see with deeper clarity what it truly looks like. I know my heart isn't ready to fall, but I know the day it happens, it will happen with rapturous force. My lesson has been learned and the deep philosopher Haddaway had it all right back in 1993.
"What is love, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more".
