Don't Drink and Click.

I have no idea how to even start this blog...I always have a point or a message, or milestone I am trying to share with words and right now I am blank. I logged on to my blog, after - what I thought was - years of avoiding it, to see what would come out if I just sat down and put pen to page (metaphorically speaking, obviously). What I found when I logged in left me shook. 

I had started a blog, well I actually had nearly finished a blog, about 2 days after my most recent exboyfriend and I had broken up in May. I kid you not, I don't remember writing it or feeling any of those words, but my body clearly needed to expel things and feelings it did not know it had. In all honesty, there is even a good chance this was alcohol-induced. (Heartbreak + IPA's = BAD COMBO). As I sat here, reading my desperate cry for attention, I felt embarrassed. Our breakup did not deserve to be plastered on the internet, and those words did not need to be shared with anyone but Jesus, yet I was SO CLOSE to publishing it.

Hear me out, I know that I was beyond vulnerable and transparent during my healing process after my abusive relationship, but that does not mean that I can or should take to the internet every time my heart hurts. He would not have deserved that, and it would have been a stain on my character. I really don't know why I am writing this...I could have spent the rest of my life with this "secret" but there is something deep in me that told me to speak. So I am speaking.

The internet has made it too easy for us to be seen and paid attention to. Instagram portrays a life fit for an art gallery, Facebook lets us rant about the things we know little to nothing about, and blogs...blogs can hurt people. I could have hurt this person, I could have shamed his name, I could have taken something that broke him just as much as it broke me and belittled it all with the simple click of a button. How dare anyone have that much power. How dare I think I am better than anyone reading this.

I love to write. I love to talk. I love to share. Sometimes that bites me in the ass, and today it did just that. I have been spending the last 2 months recalibrating what relationships healthy relationships look like and doing a lot of messy heart-work to get me to a place where I am dating well. What a huge fudging step in the wrong direction that stupid, pointless, passive-aggressive blog would have been for my journey. A journey that has brought me to meet a wonderful, understanding, exciting man when I didn't deserve it or believe it was possible.

I look at where he and I are, and I am floored at the fact that one simple "click" could have stopped me from being a part of his life. A stupid click that would have been a big, fat 🖕. I logged in to today to start writing again, to start being intentional about something I feel passionate about but lost the motivation and spark to do. Instead, I got a healthy dose of "reality check". This digital-era we are in is my bread and butter...literally my job is dependant on it...but it is also life-taking if used improperly. 

I guess I write all of this to say...sometimes things need to be left unsaid. This lesson is probably more for me than any one of you reading this, as my mouth is both my strongest asset and biggest downfall. But if you're the kind of person that struggles with this as well, just remember that Disney taught us this lesson a long time ago. Maybe we could use a refresher.

The Literal Worst People at The Gym.

Every gym is filled with the same type of people - whether you're a part of an elite-high caliber membership health club, you go to your local YMCA, or frequent Planet Fitness. The only constant that can be found is a list of very specific people you will find across the board. Even in just reading that, you've probably started your own list which I would bet looks something like this:

1. That one guy who grunts like a charging rhino 
2. That one girl who walks around in just a sports bra
3. That one guy who is there just to talk to all the sports-bra-clad women
4. That one girl who sits on the machine and texts the whole time
5. That one guy who never re-racks his weights
6. That one girl who....

I can't argue with you if this is what your mental list looks like, because that was only a very small fraction of mine whenever I verbalize my frustrations. I cannot argue that there are habits at gyms that are irritating and characters that are easily made targets - however there really is only one "worst" type of people at the gym - 

those of us that just made those lists.

We are the literal worst kind of people, myself most definitely included, that can be spotted at the gym. We waste our precious time and energy to stare, judge, and criticize the way a person chooses to work out just because it is 1) different than how you function 2) disruptive to your own workout or 3) makes you insecure about the way you look. We are the worst people because we have taken something that everyone should do and made it nearly impossible for them to want to.

Every person that walks through that door deserves to be there. Every person that squeezes themselves in to those very unforgiving gym clothes and steps out in boldness to work damn well should be able to do so how they please. It is an accomplishment to make a commitment to healthy living - and it is some of the hardest work your body will ever go through. At one point, I was an annoying girl at the gym who felt the eyes of those around her staring because she didn't "look the part" and didn't know what on God's green earth she was doing. How funny it is that we are quick to forget we all started from the bottom (thx Drake).

The world is so quick to snap at whatever is not similar to themselves - whether that be color, sexual orientation, religion, or education level. Why do we have to turn the gym in to another avenue for unnecessary criticism?

Maybe I am alone in this - maybe none of you reading this have an internal monologue of frustrations and irritations when you see specific people at the gym. Maybe I am the only literal worst gym-goer and if that is true, then after today I know that my gym will be a better place. Most, if not all, of the people I have unjustly castigated have no idea they have been a target of my exasperation and if I could apologize to them individually I would. But since I can't I am just gonna put myself on blast on the internet.

You Have Permission Not To Pray For Your Enemy.

Hey Christian, this one's for you. The Christian who grew up in the church learning to "pray for your enemies". The Christian who felt shame for not wanting to wish well on the adversaries of their life, so they locked the anger deep inside and put on the "church face". The Christian who has an issue with letting the hurt caused by someone you love go because it was unfair, it was selfish, and it was not justified. I want you to know - it is okay not to pray for your enemies.

If you want to stop right here, I totally understand because what I just said is pretty blasphemous and shocking. If you choose to continue on this journey with me, I hope you can learn more about yourself and even more about the majestic Father who created you and loves you. So buckle your seat belts, keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times, and turn your phones on to airplane mode (unless you're reading this on a mobile device, then please don't turn me off). 

When I say it's okay not to pray for them, I don't mean it in an unforgiving and malicious way - I don't even mean to say you should NEVER pray for them. I am simply letting you know that it is okay not to have that initial reaction. Prayer is hard enough as it is, but trying to add a level of grace and humility for the one person you loathe the most is even more difficult. It's okay to not be able to do this perfectly, because you are not perfect. You are not meant to know the right words in the right formula at the right time because communication with Jesus is not an equation to be solved. It is a constant journey towards intimacy, reliance, and trust.

So, please, take your dang time to pray for that friend that betrayed you, the family member who constantly disappoints you, the ex who smashed your heart in to pieces, or the church goer that showed no grace towards you. Take time to heal and hear God's redeeming love pour over you, because He will make you whole and He will bring you safely to a place where you open your heart up to showing love to your foe. Like I said earlier, there's no perfect equation for this, there's no timeline that will be correct for everyone, but it will happen.

It took 8 months for me to be able to pray for that person in my life. That means it took me roughly 243 days to do what the church instructs me to do. I dunno about you, but that seems like a long ass time to be outside a "healthy prayer life". But lemme tell you, I am so glad for each and every day that passed between April 24, 2016 and February 5, 2017 - because the words that were eventually poured out to my Savior were dripping with truth. I fully and whole heartedly prayed for that person, without any ill feelings, without any judgement on their head, and with full understanding that God can do anything in anyone's heart and life - even his. 

My beautiful mother has stood by me for a lot of moments in my life, but she's stood even firmer this last year and affirmed me that is okay that I could not pray for him. Those words have never been spoken to me by the church, and I have been at least 1,000 services in my lifetime. I am thankful that I waited this long to pray for my enemy, and I think you deserve to know that it is acceptable and warranted to take your sweet time before you do so as well.

I encourage you who are hurting due to the actions of someone you trusted, be patient in your prayer life and know that the Lord is working in you. You will find restoration and when you come to a place where you see His full magnitude as bright as the sun, you too will be able to lift up your nemesis. It will be so freeing, it will be so sincere, and it will change their life just like yours has been changed through Him.  

Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes.

It's the top of the new year and it's expected of everyone (especially the gaggle of blogging enthusiasts) to write about their new resolutions or changes they are making to improve themselves and their lives. I wanted to avoid being another little fish in the big sea of blogs during New Year's but as much as I have been trying to avoid it I know that I have to do this - for me. Last year, I made it a point to remain honest, vulnerable and authentic after trauma entered my life so it would be a disservice to the growth I have made to stop now.

2017 had a plan laid out long before January 1 - marriage, a new job, a new home and a new state. So, as I sit at the same job, in the same state, single and nowhere near being a homeowner, it is only natural to be disappointed in what the next 365(ish) days will be. In blessed contrast, I am beyond thrilled that my 2017 is nothing like what I strategically planned out. I do, however, have one major "resolution" for myself this year. 

I resolve to pray from head to toe. 

I resolve to live in gratitude for the brain the Lord has given me: the thoughts and creativity that is discovered in it, the memories stored within, the expansions and new understandings in the horizon and the open mindedness I will strive to achieve in all situations.  

I resolve to be thankful for the hands that get stronger every day, that are open to new relationships, that work hard to complete tasks and duties, that remain outstretched to receive love. 

I resolve to be remain faithful with the body the Lord blessed me with in all of it's beauty, to keep it safe from harm, to cherish the health and ability it has.

I resolve to praise the King for giving me feet that walk up to strangers alike, that support the journeys through nature that bring me such peace, to never take for granted my mobility.

I resolve to pray with thankfulness over and for all that I will be involved in - from head to toe. Every interaction, every new opportunity, every adventure, every heartache, every battle, every victory, and every day.

2017 may not end up the way you envision, hell, it may not even have started out all that great - but every day there is something to be thankful for. Instead of wallowing in the mistakes, the disappointments and the uncertainties - choose gratitude. 

Why I Am Waiting Until Marriage.

Admit it, you clicked this link to hear about why I am not having sex until my wedding day didn't you? You wanted to see what sort of biblical-mumbo-jumbo I was going to spit in order to back up my belief in celibacy whether to criticize or to celebrate it. Well, sorry to disappoint you, reader, but that ship has already sailed. Yes, I admit it, I am not a virgin. *GASP* how shocking that a 25 year old Christian female would admit that she has, in fact, had sex. The point of this blog is not to talk about my vow of chastity, but my vow to wait until marriage.

Confused yet? Let me explain. Most of my life was spent believing that dating leads to marriage. Call it the hopeless romantic in me, call it the product of a healthy and beautiful relationship - whatever you call it it's the truth. Maybe that comes across as a bit fanciful, but that's the foundation that I have built my dating history on. In my 25 years I have been in three defined relationships - one with my high school crush, one with the best-friend-turned-boyfriend, and one with the bad boy. None of those worked out, clearly, since I am riding the single bus, and unfortunately I did not hold to my belief that dating in turn leads to a life long commitment with most of them. 

That's not to say in the periods of time between those relationship that I was devoid of dates, both good and bad. But what that does mean is that I chose to use the term "dating" to be the start of a process that leads to marriage. In the last 6 months I swore off dating so that I could give my heart and mind some much needed healing. In the last 6 months, marriage has been the furthest thing from my mind. In the last 6 months I have enjoyed the company of myself and my closest friends here in Nashville. But, as the year is coming to an end, I had to have a really serious conversation with myself about the next step in my healing.

So, as my season of singleness progresses - I have decided to build upon the idea that dating leads to marriage that I have always held dear. I am waiting until marriage is the only outcome. I will not be someone's girlfriend unless I believe, with my whole heart, that I can see myself taking their name as my own. That sounds so outlandish to say (and even more to understand) but I truly believe that at this phase in my life, the next person is the last person. I will not succumb my heart to another breakup, I will not allow my time to be invested in a temporary moment. This doesn't mean I am not open to dates in the future, but I will live in discernment and honesty about what my feelings and intentions are, always. 

Waiting for "the one" seems daunting, but I would rather be patient for the love I so desire than pass my heart from hand to hand with hopes that it will fall in to the lap of a viable man. So, I wait. 

Wake Me Up When October Ends.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. How ironic is that? That my historically favorite time of the year is now a month memorializing the worst year and a half of my life. It's funny how life works like that, isn't it? That something so beautiful can also be so laced with hurt and agony? The more I think about this, though, the more I realize that October simply became more beautiful because it is a chance for me to embrace my story, to share my strength, and to speak out on something so vile.

My story isn't much different than many women's and certainly not as severe as others. In October 2014 I became engaged with a boy. From the start, something was always off - I felt myself disconnected and disinterested despite his ravenous pursuits. It got to a point where I began to pull away from him and that was the first moment the manipulation hit full force. When I "left" he found a way to hurt me using another woman. Now, you'd think a smart girl like myself would find disgust in that, but instead (due to months of conditioning) I was running right in to his arms.

This particular back and forth ensued for what felt like ages, but really was just a few months. Before I knew it I was living in Tennessee and dating a guy all the way across the country. We only "officially" dated for 3 months in the summer of 2015 but we were in an intense and destructive relationship long passed that. We broke up because he disagreed with a decision I made in regard to a text message conversation that was had without his consent and it broke me to pieces. I flew to Arizona that weekend while he ran off to Las Vegas. I sat, broken and shattered in front of my parents, completely defeated in tears. That's when girl #2 popped up. That's right, in the same week he broke up with me, he ended up in bed with another woman and I PLEADED for him to pick me still.

Crazy, right? Right. I was legitimately crazy at this point. I was completely devoted to this person who was a psychopathic narcissist (read more about that HERE) and I was going to do anything to prove I was the girl for him. I bought a plane ticket that same day to go see him the following weekend in California to win him back. Was everything picture perfect that weekend? You bet. As if nothing happened - so I went back to TN with so much hope but the abuse continued.

A few "good" months went by and it was time to celebrate his birthday. I flew to California to spend a weekend with him and his closest friends and that weekend was the first time the abuse turned dangerous. Before that, it was all name calling, complete emotional and physical control, devaluing - but that weekend it turned to a 45 minute verbal assault, a broken cell phone, and being left on the side of the road at 4:00am while his "friends" sat idly by. You'd think that would finally be enough - but I took him back and we continued on our rollercoaster affair. A Halloween trip was planned and in those 3 days there was nothing but anger, devaluing, and pain.  

December hits and I am finally "done" with him. That was until he drove 6 1/2 hours to visit me in Arizona. He showed up to my house in glorious knight-in-shining fashion and reeled me right back in. I lied to everyone about him being there and spent as much time as I could with him in secret- until, like clockwork, the anger lashed out. Another 4:00am yelling match and broken cell phone later, I was home in shambles laying next to my mother. He then stayed in Arizona with another woman to torment me. 

Between December and April we did not see each other but we remained in communication that was volatile and harmful with big promises and bold statements of love, marriage and commitment sprinkled in. I stood firm in my "no" of not seeing him because it was "over" but I was still completely smitten and needing of him. This led to two of the scariest moments of my life. The first was in February when I finally was strong enough to end it forever - and he followed it up with suicidal FaceTime threat in which I had to get the police involved. I felt guilt for bringing him to such a sorrowful moment, so, yet again, I stayed. The second was April 24, 2016.

He was going to be in TN for a few hours, and I made it clear seeing him was never going to happen. Until his manipulation got the best of me and I agreed. We ended up changing his flight so he could stay the whole night together until the morning. We woke up and the monster was released. While I was in the shower, he went through my cell phone and found text exchanges with many of my male friends in which he "hated". When I walked back to my room - his eyes were hate filled and I fell to his feet to beg for forgiveness. I thought I could turn myself in to a doormat to fix the problem - but I could not. From those evil words came the final blow - literally. We were outside my home after almost an hour of being screamed at and he unleashed his rage by breaking, ripping, and throwing my property. I finally got him to leave, but his rage was not satisfied so he sprinted down towards me at full force, grabbed me, looked me in the eye, and flung me to the ground then left forever.

That is the last time I have ever seen his face. Filled with demonic anger, looking over me as I am crying, bleeding, and covered in mud. An evil email moments later and he was forever gone and I was left alone. His life went on "perfectly" after that moment with all the things the world deems worthy - a great job, a new girlfriend, and a new apartment. I was left to pick up the pieces of a broken soul. 6 months later, I am proud to say I am more whole and in love with myself than I have ever been but every day the idea of being a victim is branded on my spirit.

 

I have not looked at these images since that week. These marks may not seem like much to some, but they were the result of a year and a half of being hated by a man I wanted to give the world to.

I have not wanted to share this part of my life until recently when I was standing on the stage of the Nashville Women's Rescue Mission surrounded by beautiful sisters who I could relate to, who I could understand, and who I could cry with. I stood so freely in that space and spoke about what had transpired in the months before and was able to grip these women in my arms as we stood as testaments of survival and strength.

After that night, so much weight was taken off of my shoulders and to me, that is what October means. October is not about pumpkin spice lattes but about freedom. I have been freed, I have been saved, from a life surrounded by terror, and instability and worthlessness. I have been freed of the shame, regret and doubt of this relationship. I have been freed to share my story and to stand next to those who are walking the fight every day.

October, you may have lost your beauty for a moment in time, but I declare today that you will forever be the month in which I shine the brightest.

Lessons in Love by a Single Millennial With a Bad Track Record.

What is love? How do you answer that? Is it a feeling, is it just something "you know"? Ask anyone in love and they will each define it differently based on their experience and their relationship. That is kind of the beauty of that word, of that action - it is unique and undefinable. It transcends understanding and is a powerful force, a sacred and beautiful gift. If you had asked me that question 6 months ago, I would have had an answer because I was "in love with the man of my dreams".

This man of my dreams turned out to be the boy of my nightmares and what once looked like love was actually complete and under destruction. I was convinced I loved him - and even worse I was convinced he loved me - but not one moment of my time with him held a remnant of love. The end of the relationship was the worst day of my life - I have never cried so many tears and felt such deep pain in my chest - but by the grace of God it was also the best. I took that moment and turned it around in to a lesson on healthy Godly dating. I learned more about what love is by not being in love with him.

Messy not manipulated. Anytime people are involved in something it is messy because we all have feelings and desires and selfishness that gets in the way of perfection. Messy is beautiful, though, because it shows honesty and rawness in all of its glory. What love is not, however, is a manipulation of that mess. It is not about one person's feelings and desires being more important than the other - it is about understanding each other's differences and dealing with them with grace and patience rather than fear and aggression.

Tender not toxic. The perfect example of this truth in my life is my sweet daddy - he has the most gentle and tender way about him. He loves with pureness and warmth that surpasses any love I have ever seen. This is love - love is a deep desire, a furious kindness. It is, under no definition of the word, a vile situation filled with hatred, retribution, and abuse. Toxicity comes in many forms - but at the root of those forms is selfish narcissism. There is no place for that in love. Love cannot live where the darkness resides.

Honest not hostile. Communication is key in any relationship but especially in a romantic one. If that communication is filled with constant misrepresentations of the truth or hiding things behind false promises and pretty pictures then there is no truth. If you are too scared to say what you feel, if you are worried about the outcome of a conversation, if you don't feel comfortable enough to share parts of yourself with another because you think it will cause a fight - then you are no longer living in honesty but in hostility. No person has the right to belittle you, especially the truest and most honest version of yourself.

Fierce not fatal. False love can so easily be felt as true because of the heat and intensity in which it shows itself. Fierce love is passion and compassion in a beautiful tango - it has fire and desire and affection and respect all at once. Fatal love - the kind of love that parades itself as fierce - is temporary and fleeting. It is ultimately the cause of a broken heart, the demise of a relationship. It leaves ashes in the place of a heart and never satisfies.

I haven't been in love, I probably haven't been anywhere near the vicinity of it, but I have been on the opposite end of it and see with deeper clarity what it truly looks like. I know my heart isn't ready to fall, but I know the day it happens, it will happen with rapturous force. My lesson has been learned and the deep philosopher Haddaway had it all right back in 1993.

"What is love, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more". 

Sometimes The Devil Wins.

I grew up in a safe household. I had a father who protected my heart, my spirit, and my body. He was the warrior of our family, the provider of our material needs, and the official bear-hug-giver. I had a mother as strong as they come, ready to fight and defend at the drop of a hat. I had an older sister who, while she loved torturing me, truly wanted no harm to come to me. I had a church that surrounded me with prayer-fighters, I had a school that educated me in a safe environment, and I had friends that stood by my side through highs and lows.

I grew up knowing that safety and protection did not come easy, but were a gift given by those around us. I admired the sacrifice of the humble servants in black and blue that patrolled the streets late at night so that I did not have to worry about someone harming me. I looked up to their ability to sacrifice their time and efforts for strangers who, frankly, would never do the same in return. I thanked any and every single person I could for giving me something I did not deserve or work for.

In those years, I never really had reason to believe that my protection would be at risk because I was taught how to avoid it. One day not too long ago, I let those lessons I learned get shoved from my mind. I opened myself up to a situation where there would be no security, only harm. I made that choice, I let that door stay open and chose to walk through it every day. I let my safety fall to the wayside for a momentary string of emotional highs.

Once I was stripped of that safety I needed those Men in Blue to come to my rescue. I needed my bodyguards, the one's who I spent 25 years looking up to and supporting to be on my side...but they didn't show up. How is that possible? How could I possibly be left in the dust without any support from them when I was beaten and broken by another human being? How could they do nothing to help me after my property was ripped apart right in front of me? How could they sit by idly?

These thoughts have been rattling around in my head for months now. These thoughts are not good ones, they are not kind ones, and they sure as hell do nothing for my heart. But they are real. I was so quick to blame them for not "doing their job" when the root of the issue is not these men, but the source of all evil in the world.

Right now, the devil is winning. His grip is strong right now and his power is evident in my life. He has found a battle that he can have victory in. Right now, his ability to refrain the legal system from helping me along is stronger than God's ability to right all wrongs. No one wants to admit that the devil has a hold of their life, but sometimes...he just does.

The key phrase in this is "right now". This is a TEMPORARY win for him. He is grinning his hate-filled grin right now knowing that he has beaten me in this season, but man, the day of the Lord is coming. The day of God's justice and redemption is around the corner. The battle is waging on, but the war is OVER. "It is finished". Those words are branded on my skin forever, and even though I see them every day I still forget that the end of the story is already written. The Lord has finished it all, His Will is coming in to fruition, even though right now it seems impossible.

The safety I grew up believing came from those around me has always, and will always, only be found in HIM. He will protect me, he will justify my pain, and He will overcome. Good luck, Satan, I dare you to try to cross my Warrior.

Love Like Adele And Jesus.

How did Jesus do it? How did he look down from the Cross and love those below Him? How did His heart have such grace for a multitude of people who were spitting on him, berating him, condemning him, lying about him. How could be possibly forgive the very people he loved so much and gave himself to for what they have done?

I wish I could understand that level of love. I wish I could express unconditional forgiveness, not out of selfish intent, not out of superficial reasoning, but out of honest sincerity. I want that, I want to be able to look at my aggressor and shower him with the love of God that was showered on me the day, He gave his life, selflessly, for a selfish being like me. I try so hard to be that, but I fall so short every time, and what makes it worse is when I hear songs that are full of more grace than my heart is.

Adele, arguably one of the most resonant voices in the industry in a decade, has a career built on the honesty and heartbreak of life and love. Her songs ooze emotion and pain, but I find it the most funny that no matter how much her heart is hurting, she has grace. She shows God's love better than I do, and that...sucks. Songs like "Send My Love" and "Someone Like You" are just two examples of this. She is devastated by the choices that have lead them to this season of pain and brokenness. She speaks about what it feels like to be abandoned and lonely...but then she comes in swinging with the refrain...that she hopes WELL for them. She hopes for a positive and successful future for the person that brought her to the weakest places of her life. 

I am not one to glorify celebrities and try to find Christianity in everything. There are things in this world that are just things, beautiful and creative things, things that have nothing to do with the truth of Jesus especially in the music industry. But, as I have been processing through heartbreak, I've heard these songs in a new light and have felt a sense of guilt. Adele, an artist who does not claim to have a living, breathing relationship with the Lord and Savior so much easier exemplifies a minute version of the type of love that Jesus displays for me, His offender. 

I gotta tell you, that definitely has hurt me. It has made me feel like an inferior believer, like I am living a fake life and not truly living out my faith. None of those feelings are true, but it definitely is a wake up call when you can find more Jesus in someone else than yourself. I still don't know how Jesus does it, I don't know how Queen Adele does it, and maybe I never fully will, but in this season I need to pursue that type of grace and forgiveness.

Harboring hate and resentment about a past love harms not only yourself, but whatever future love comes next. Carrying that bitterness is toxic and never coming to terms with those feelings and emotions will only cause them to rear their ugly head in the worst way possible. Right now, I definitely don't wish the best for the one who did me wrong, but here's to trying to be a little more like Adele and a lot more like Jesus.

You Don't Need Me, But Somehow You Want Me.

Have you ever wanted someone to know you, like actually know you? Every single detail of your story, every curve of your face, every quirk in your personality, every corner of your heart? To have that one person who can feel alongside you, who can read your body language as if it was their own mind, who doesn't need to be told  with words what you need because they have come to learn your heart and desires so truly?

That really is the dream, isn't it? To be so loved that you long for nothing, you lack nothing because that person has brought to you all that you could possibly imagine. Man, what a world we would live in if every single one of us found that one person.

One day not so long ago I believed I had found that in someone and holy cow did it feel good. Love feels so good - it feels like a million butterflies in your stomach all the time. Then one day I woke up and realized that my desire to be so known and loved was no longer achieved by this person. So there I sat, with a burning passion to simply be cared for, to be desired, to have someone pay me some damn attention and the whole world got really lonely. 

The thing about love is that we have been trained to believe that it can only come in one way from one person. We have fantasized this beautiful feeling that can so often go unexplained in to an achievement only reached by a soulmate or "Mr. Right". I make that statement so boldly because more often than not I believe that. In this season of singleness and restoration, I have quickly come to realize that I have always, in every single way, been fully known.

The Lord has shown His Face to me more times than I could even begin to write down but especially so in the last two weeks. I woke up one morning feeling heavy burdened by the weight of so many thoughts and insecurities tied to one person's hold on my heart and knew it was just going to be one of those days. I didn't bother telling anyone how I was feeling but within a few hours of those dark thoughts my phone was quickly filled with texts from some of my closest friends that began with "you were placed on my heart this morning". Instantly I smiled because I knew that even in my silence Jesus heard me and gave me what my heart so deeply needed.

Sunday morning began with a sermon on JOY and my oh my, did I feel his joy in my heart when I walked out the church doors. I did not even know that I needed to be refilled of joy, I had no idea that my heart was desiring that...but He knew.

The week continued on with small reminders that HE, the Creator of the World, the Orchestrator of the Waves, the Master of the Skies cared for me. From being able to participate in events, to letters and gifts from sweet friends, from the most glorious weather, to hearing the right song on my Spotify at the right time. He knew, he cared, and he showered me with attention. 

The final rush of affection that God brought to my life happened Wednesday afternoon. I have the honor to work with about a dozen Christian music artists who are ministering to the world. One in particular, Tenth Avenue North, showcased their upcoming album to the whole label and influential partners. I have heard bits and pieces of this album over the course of the creation, but this was the first moment when it all came together. One song called "Control" stood out to me and energized me. I hate talking about this magnificent piece of art because you are incapable of hearing it for a few months by the lyrics...my goodness the lyrics are my new life anthem.

"God You don't need me, but somehow You want me
Oh how You love me, somehow that frees me
To take my hands off of my life and the way it should go
Oh God You don't need me, but somehow You want me
Oh how You love me, somehow that frees me
To open my hands up and give you controlI give you control"

I am wanted. I am loved. I am desired. I am cherished. I am cared for. I am chosen. 

And so are you. With or without a man. 

How to Spot A Gentleman.

Dating is legitimately one of the most stressful parts of being a human being - especially a human being in the twenty something age group. You have a million reminders staring you in the face that you are *alone*. You feel pressured to be on every dating app possible knowing full well you won't find a worthy suitor however, you go ahead and waste your life swiping away. When you decide to actually meet up with your tinder-prince or your coworkers "really cool neighbor" or that guy that approached you at the bar that one time, it usually winds up being a total nightmare.

Ladies, I feel you because I have had my fair share of dating nightmares. So, to save myself from ever ending up on the wrong side of a date and keep you from experiencing some of the most uncomfortable moments of the best years of your life, here is a guide to what a real gentleman is.

1. He does not offer to pump your gas at 1am.

2. He spends hours talking about himself.

3. He doesn't enjoy anything that wasn't his idea.

4. He includes racial slurs, degrading terms, and negative names in his daily conversation.

5. He will have relationships with other women behind your back.

6. He will not respect your worth, your property, or your family.

7. He will use your insecurities against you.

8. He will make you feel worthless without him. 

9. He will steal every good thing you hold dear.

10. He will never mean the words "I love you". 

I hope after the first statement you realized this list was as satirical and sarcastic as they come. Maybe that was really harsh of me, maybe that guy is reading this right now with flames coming out of his ears ready to run his mouth - so what. The truth is, shitty guys exist and I am living proof of that. If I had taken one second to really evaluate the situation I was getting myself in to, I can bet everything I own that I would have run so far away in the opposite direction.

All of this to say, that if you doubt for 1 second that he is not a gentleman then he probably is not one. Don't be fooled by loneliness, fancy words, big promises, tattoos, or motorcycles. Don't let seeing another engagement on your newsfeed, another happily ever after movie, or another person's portrayed life affect you. Singleness can suck, Lord Jesus can it suck. But that in no way gives way for you to rush in to something foolishly just to escape carrying around that big scarlet "S".

Take it from someone who spent the better part of a year running around settling for less than the best, that having no boyfriend is infinitely better than having a bad boyfriend. Stay strong, warriors. Stay beautiful, angel faces. Stay confident, sisters. The good ones ARE out there. It is time we start using discernment rather than depression to direct our dating decisions.

A real gentleman will always:

Protect you and your heart

Encourage you through all things

Elevate your spirits

Love you unconditionally

Support you whole heartedly

Speak truth in to your life out of love

Guide you spiritually

Guard you emotionally

Respect you 

Lead with wisdom

Humble himself

Wait with patience and grace for that man. 

True Love Exists.

I have started and stopped a post at least a dozen times over the past couple of months. Some days it starts off as a letter to the villain who is not worthy of my words. Some days it starts off as a journal entry about the state of my heavy heart and disheveled mind. Some days it is even for the girl who came after me to try to "show her the light" and "save her". Today is not the time and place to delve in to those topics full force, but before I get in to the meat and potatoes of this post, I do want to address them solely for the purpose of giving myself some peace.

To him - You are prayed for. Despite your vile heart, your toxic ways, your foolish and selfish antics, and your constant desire to harm, you are a child of the One True God. He loves you, He finds you worthy, and He died for you and I hope you find your way back to the man he made you to be. I don't like you right now and I don't foresee a day I ever will again, but for every way I hate you I also am thankful for you.

To her - I wish I could shake you, wish I could remove the blinders from your eyes, wish I could show you the dangerous path you are quickly traveling down. I want to hate you for the relationship you have with him far too quickly after the worse day of my life. However, I cannot for one second because I understand how you can fall for a snake. I pray you never get treated the way I did, but if you do as I unfortunately believe you will, I pray for healing.

---------

The real reason this posts exists is to highlight what today is. I have been wallowing around for quite some time because of a bad relationship. I have been living selfishly, I have been hiding and lying and living in the shadows. I have segregated myself from the world in so many ways and turned in to a shell of the Ivette Alexandra Vargas I once was. In all of these horrific months, not a single person abandoned me when they so fully had reason to. Not one friend turned their back on me, not one friend gave up on me, not one friend loved me any less.

Today is #NationalBestFriendDay and by golly do I know for a fact that I have the worlds best. So, this post goes out to you guys, the truest definition of love that has ever existed:

Ashley, Dallas, Melissa, Tracy, Kate, Alissa, Emma, Stephen and Zach.

I am on the brink of tears right now thinking about each and everyone of you. You are my heroes. You are my strength. You are my joy. You are my laughter. You are my favorite headache and biggest pride. There is nothing on this earth I treasure more than you. Every single moment of every day you have known me, each of you have showered me with love and support and patience (because the good Lord knows you need it when dealing with me).

Thank you. Thank you a million times over for existing and breathing life in to me when I am hard to love. Thank you for cheering me up on a bad day and bringing out the craziest and goofiest sides of me. Thank you for constantly supporting my dreams, even if they are stupid. Thank you for never asking me to be anything but myself. Thank you for always making time for me. Thank you for reminding me who I am. Thank you for being there for me when I couldn't even be there for myself.

These last few months haven't been easy on me, but as hard as they are on me, I know they are equally as hard on you. You have felt every pain alongside me, You have broken at my brokenness. You have cried for me and with me, but you have also been the light that brings me out of those tears. I am sorry for the days that I haven't been the friend to you that you deserve. I am sorry for not always appreciating you and letting a useless human being get in between us. I could never ever explain to you what you mean to me, but even more so during this hard and painful season.

So, while there are other people out there who sometimes take my attention away or fill my thoughts when they shouldn't, please know that you are always in my heart. 

I love you. Infinitely, Enternally, Unconditionally.

793 Days in the Making.

Two years ago when I began this blog, I had a big dream and a lot of words. I dreamed of a life immersed in the world of music business, entertainment industry, and Nashville. I dreamed of being on my own, working for that "perfect" company, and being the best version of myself that God created me to be. I wrote a lot of wise things and had a lot of great advice to give...but through it all I was freaking out.

I was living my life one day at a time like I was always taught to do, but those days added up fast and became years and that's when the patience and waiting took a turn for the worst. Fortunately, I have a lot of amazing people in my life who have kept the positivity and encouragement flowing more continuously than Niagra Falls.Those people are the true heroes in my story and I am forever grateful for them because I doubted myself, my abilities, and my dreams constantly.

With that being said, the day I have been anxiously (and not so patiently) waiting for, is drawing near. On March 2, 2015 I will make the biggest life-change to date. I will be moving to Nashville, Tennessee with nothing more than a plane ticket and credit card. This has been one of the scariest and hardest decisions I have ever made. I am leaving two wonderful jobs behind, saying goodbye to the friends who have quickly become my family, and flying out of my parents nest where I have spent the better part of 24 years.

I have no zero idea what the next 6 months are going to look like. I have yet to find a place to live or work. I am going in completely blind and I could not be more excited. Every day since the decision was made has been a roller coaster of emotions. This is the first time in my life I will be completely and terrifyingly stuck in a place of uncertainty.

I have 2 weeks to the day left in the beautiful state of Arizona with its sunsets more beautful than a dream, Mexican food on every corner, and memories never to be replaced. This is the first day of my next chapter, and I pray that I continue to keep eating the elephant one bite at a time.

Take the "Date" out of "Dating"

As a single 23 year old woman, dates have become a much more common occurrence in my life post-grad. I spent much of my teen and college years focused on my school work rather than my relationship life, and now that I no longer shove my face in textbooks every night I have joined the "dating scene". In this time, I have had the honor of going on some amazing dates with some truly remarkable men of character. In contrast, I have also found myself sitting across from Joe Schmo thinking in my head "if this is the best the world has to offer I am going to die alone". 

Back to the positives, though. I have been treated to some of the most delicious meals, spoiled with a fantastic wine list, surprised by flowers and thoughtful gifts, and swept of my feet with romantic and chivalrous gestures. I have sat across men who make deep conversations, asked wonderful questions, an have smiled all night at my crazy stories as if they are the most important thing they have ever heard. I have been complimented by cheesy pick up lines and thoughtful comments and have felt connections that were burning red. 

So then why am I single if my dating life has been so positive? 

The problem with dating is that the dates seem to be more important than the process. A relationship cannot be built on a few hours spent in a strategically planned location or event that can easy brew up giddy and romantic feelings. Dates are a tool to express the feelings and interest you have in a person not what determines if you are going to be a compatible couple. You can have an amazing date, with great conversation filled with laughter and sweet talking but not work out as a couple. 

Dates are wonderful, don't get me wrong. As a female, it's often more thrilling to prepare for the date than the date itself. There is so much anticipation and nerves, you plan every facet of your outfit and appearance to make the best impression, you play out possible conversations with your closest girl friends and it makes you feel like a 12 year old girl all over again.

There is more to love than dates. It's about the moments between the goodnight and the next face-to-face interaction that determine whether or not that person is someone you should be pursuing a future with. Anyone can put on a pretty face, say and do all the right thingss on a date but the real "you" always comes out. You may be getting defensive now by my statement that we are "fake" on dates. But I can guarantee each and every onw of you have had an element of pretending. Maybe you made up a story about yourself or added fluff to make it seem more extravagant...maybe you have avoided telling a person something about yourself in order to "save face"...maybe you have lied about liking something in order to have something in common with the person. I am guilty of this too. 

If the beauty of love and marriage is going to have any chance of survival, then our generation needs to focus on the courting rather than the dating. The humbleness it takes to let someone in to your heart and life and see every beautiful and dirty crevice is the most incredible displays of love. That takes time and effort outside of a candle lit dinner. Dates keep the fun and energy in a relationship but love cannot survive on fun alone. So, enjoy your dates, go on them as often as your heart desires, but understand that love is not about the "perfect date". 

6 Nasty Habits We All Need to Break.

Life is messy, and it's hard, and some days it down right sucks. Often it is for reasons out of our own control, but lately I have been realizing it has a lot more to do with our personal choices than we like to admit. We can't fix the world and all of it's problems, but we can make things a little more bearable for ourselves and the ones we love if we cut out a few nasty habits. 

Calling other girls "bitches". 

Yes, I know this may seem like a harmless thing to do, but really, we are disrespecting and belittling our own gender. When we have such little concern for women (the same women who struggle with insecurities, doubt, and self-worth just like you do) then men will no longer treat us with value. Just because you don't like what that girl in the club is wearing does not mean she is a bitch. Use that word wisely because if you can call someone else that, then you can also be one as well. 

Thinking you know it all.

Congratulations, you have survived 4 years of high school, 4 years of college, and maybe a few years in the work force. I applaud you on completing these milestones, but in that time you did not become an expert on everything in the whole world. You have learned things, you have experienced things, and you have failed but in no way are you the guru of how life should be lived. Stop thinking you know everything and that you have the right to tell others how they should live their lives. NEWSFLASH you still haven't even lived your life yet. If you feel like you’ve got all your shit together, congratulations...but stop with the humblebragging all over social media about your great new job/car/boyfriend/etc. Smugness is never a good quality.

Dating with no vision.

Our generation has, for some odd reason, become enamored by the idea of "dating around" or, more bluntly, "sleeping around". This literally blows my mind for so many reasons that I do not even have enough time to explain. Dating with no intentions or purpose is confusing for your heart and hurts the hearts of others. It may be fun, it may be exciting, and it may feel really damn good, but in the end it is empty. Dating was intended to lead to marriage not to a romp in the bed. 

Buying stuff. 

Stop spending money you don't have, on things that you don't need, to try to impress people you don't like. I am an advocate for treating yourself to something nice on an occasion, but relying on credit cards is not a way to live life. Try investing your time in to people instead of your money in to things and see how much more fulfilling life becomes.

Stalking people on social media.

I admit, this one is for me. I am preaching at myself right now so feel free to tune out. Spending hours upon hours "creeping" on your ex, or that guy who broke your heart, or that girl you hate for god-only-knows what reason does literally NO good for you. Nothing you will find will comfort you, it only brews more insecurities and pain. They are not part of your life for a reason, so keep it that way.

Criticizing other people's personalities.

Stop calling someone annoying because they like to talk a lot. Stop calling someone stuck up because they are quite. Stop calling someone stubborn because they are strong in their beliefs. Stop calling someone sensitive because they have the ability to feel empathy easier than you. The beauty of human beings is that no two are the same. That is an incredible gift that God has given to each one of us: individuality. Are you going to agree, get along, and like all of them? Absolutely not, but understand that you also have personalities flaws too. 

Dear, Future Husband.

Since you have decided to take your sweet, sweet time in finding me, I thought I would write a letter for you to read once you've shown your beautiful, green-eyed, dark haired, tattooed self to me. Now, don't get your hopes up that this is going to be a sweet love letter about how long I have waited and prayed for you (even though, the good Lord knows I could win a gold medal for just that). Those words will be saved for you one day, but today I just want to apologize. I am not one to admit I am wrong, or tell you my short-comings, so treasure this moment and I hope you will forgive me for my flaws.

I am sorry for the way I eat. My goodness am I sorry. I pick out the things I like in mixed nuts, trail mix, and variety bags of snacks and then put them back as if I did nothing wrong. I drink my orange juice straight from the carton, which means if you want some refreshment you have to live with my saliva residue. I get food in my hair  and on my clothes if I am not careful because I get too excited and dig in to it like a wild animal.

I am sorry for being a terrible housewife. I literally am terrified of the stove, the oven, and anything that is useful in making a substantial and worthy meal. I cannot even make a decent pasta, which is literally just boiling pasta and adding a pre-made sauce; a monkey could make you a better dinner than I could. I wish that I could fill your belly with delicious meals, but you're most likely going to have to take charge in the kitchen or you may starve to death.

I am sorry that I do not have an "inside voice". You probably discovered this the day you met me, but I have no concept of the idea of being quiet. Even my silent voice and whisper is louder than the average person's yelling voice. I try my best but my big mouth just likes to make a lot of noise all the time. You will probably get super annoyed by me, especially in movies, and I am sorry that I will drive you crazy all the time.

I am sorry for making everything about LOTR. I have an unhealthy obsession with the J.R.R. Tolkien series and it will inevitable seep in to every facet of our lives. We will watch the movies more times than someone would think is humanely possible, we will have decorations in our home, and if I can trick you in to it, we will even have it as a part of our wedding/honeymoon. Everyone you meet will think your wife is crazy for loving the fantasy-world filled with elves, hobbits, and orcs.

And most importantly,

I am sorry for everything else. It is inevitable that I will not show you respect and love in everything that I say and do to you. I am terrible at apologizing and it is instinctual for me to take a defensive stance. I will mess up a lot, and I will not always take responsibility for those mistakes but I need you to know that, with every part of me, I am sorry.

I don't know who you are, where you are, or when I will find you, but when it happens it will be a dream come true. If you can learn to love the annoying things about me (you can ask my parents for tips since they have suffered through it for 23 years) then I know we can conquer the world. Feel free to come out of hiding anytime soon, however, preferably wearing a jean jacket, vans, and ray bans.

The Truth of the Matter Is, You Suck.

You do not deserve good things. You want to know why? Because you are a sucky person. Yeah, that's right, I am talking to you. You are a selfish, and corrupt creature who hurts people with your words, your actions, and your lack of respect. You use people, you lie, you cheat, you steal, and you believe that your life is more important than the person sitting next to you. Yeah, you may do amazing things but at the core of you who are you a sinner. 

Now, don't think I am pointing my flawless finger at you acting like I am any better because I sure as heck know I am not. I am guilty of all those things and more and continue to have to fight to be a good person but I am sick of our generation acting as if they are entitled to the world. If I hear one more self-entitled rant come out of a 20-something's mouth I may snap. So time for a reality check, for all of us.

Living life anticipating things to just come your way and to have it play out exactly how you want it to is selfish. Women walk around expecting men to be a certain way, have certain qualities, and do all these extravagant things for them. This is one of the most irritating things to me because when you expect things out of people you are automatically setting them up for failure. They will never be, do, or say exactly what you want them to do. When that happens people simply walk away thinking that there is something better out there and that the next person will meet these unrealistic goals you have set for them. Newsflash, both of you are sucky people and will do sucky things sometimes and it is unfair for you to hold them to these expectations when you can't reach them either. 

People get irritated when their job situation is not what they feel they are worthy of. They constantly think that simply because they want things to happen for them that it should just be that way. That person you think is so "lucky" because they always get the best jobs and live a charmed life are nothing more than blessed. They don't deserve those things just like you don't but by the grace of God they were given them. 

You have been given the opportunity and blessing of finding true love, having a job, being financially successful but in no way do you DESERVE these things. The only thing we deserve is the opportunity to pursue happiness. But, happiness itself isn't something that we’re supposed to get. If you do a job for a set rate of pay, you deserve to get paid that amount. If you order food at a restaurant, you deserve to have that food delivered to you, and you also deserve for that food to be edible. But, you don’t deserve to like your job, and you don’t deserve to enjoy your food. Happiness, love...all of those are extras.

The word "expect" should be banned completely from the English vocabulary. It is a curse word and it causes more harm than good. It disappoints, it embarrasses, it frustrates, and it causes tension. 

For Her.

My friend, you are not your addiction.

You are strong and beautiful, you are confident and witty, you have life and love flowing through your veins. Your energy is infectious, your friendship is loyal, your sense of humor is superior to many people I have met. You are relentless and you fight for what you believe in, you find joy in the smallest things, and you have an easiness about you that makes others feel at home. You have a harsh exterior, but you are only defensive because you know what you want in life and will not let any one steal that from you. That is who you are.

The struggle you are dealing with every day does not define the women you are or will be. It is a bump in the road, it is a thorn in your back, but it is not your soul. The choices you are making are not the best, and you know that, but choices and character are two separate entities. Do not ever believe that you cannot survive this battle and do not let the guilt and worthlessness that is in your head win.

I do not know what it feels like to be in your shoes. I have no idea what living life day-to-day with dependency on a substance feels like. I can never understand what it is like to feel the need to take something in order to be a "better" version of you and make it through the day. I can never relate to the internal battle you have with yourself every day. But I do how to love, and how to hold your hand.

I will walk beside you on the days you cannot stand up. I will remind you every day of the potential you have within you. I will constantly support you even if you stumble along the way because you are stronger than the war waging inside. Today you are struggling, and hurting, and lost, but you can only make it through this one day at a time. You cannot become a gold medal Olympian in one day; it takes good days and bad days. Moments of doubt and wanting to quit to feeling the highs of beating your personal best. The struggle is constant, but tomorrow is the shining light at the end of the tunnel.

In my eyes, you are a champion. You are fighting with every ounce of strength you have within you. You get knocked out some days, and it is hard to recover from those moments, but you still wake up and press on. The fight will last more than one round, but I am in your corner cheering you on until the day you hold your arms up in victory. You are more than a habit, you are a hero.

My Life Explained Through Gifs.

At 23 years old, people begin to ask me the same repetitive and annoying questions each and every time I see them. I love these people, and they are only doing it out of love, but just because I haven't paved my life out in the exact same timeline you have does not mean that I am doomed to go no where. I can guarantee the majority of you reading this are in the same position as me, and you are sick of it. So, if anyone ever asks you these any of these 10 questions feel free to kindly shove this post down their throats.

1. Why aren't you dating someone/engaged/married yet?

I proudly have an intense, loud, and overall insane personality. My milkshake sure doesn't bring the boys to the yard, and I am OK with that.

2. Don't you want to get married and start a family?

In case you didn't know, there isn't an age limit on how old you have to be to get married, so calm down.

3. Do you ever get lonely?

I find myself to be quite hilarious, no one can make me laugh like I can...but also wine, it is a good companion.

4. Can I set you up? 

Seriously, I have no interest in meeting your best friend's neighbors third cousin who just moved to Arizona but thanks anyways. 

5. When are you going to move out of your parents house?

If that is an invitation to provide me free rent, food, and gas then I will move out yesterday.

6. Does your tattoo mean anything?

Nope, I just decided to have a needle burn in to my flesh for hours just because I thought a butterfly was pretty.

7. How much money will you/do you make?

In what universe is this an appropriate question to ask someone?

8. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

I see nothing wrong with that life goal.

9. Do you really think that's the best way to spend your money?

You don't see me judging you on the million Starbucks specialty drinks, obnoxious amount of yoga pants, and over abundance of Victoria's Secret items you purchase.

10. Aren't you a little too old for that?

Disney for the win, no other answer is necessary.

KTHANKSBYE. 

Revelation 21:4-5

When I was 11 years old I met my future husband. He was the cutest boy I had ever seen. His big blue eyes were always staring at me from across the Sunday School classroom, he would always try to stand next to me in lines, and he never once picked on me or called me names like the rest of the elementary school boys did. For 2 years, he asked me to be his girlfriend and for 2 years I always said no. But he never once gave up, he never once stopped asking, then all of a sudden he was no longer at church. 

Fast forward, I am now 15 years old and have completely forgotten about my childhood crush until the day he Myspace friend requested me. Almost 2 years had passed, but as soon as I saw his name and his face all my school-girl butterflies came back and I knew I was still gonna marry him. After a few months of "talking" he, once again, asked me to be his girlfriend like he had many times before, and this time I blurted out "YES!". For 6 months, everything was magical and wonderful (well, as wonderful as it can be at 16 years old) until the world fell apart.

On July 15, 2007 I had to kiss him goodbye as he was headed for a rehabilitation facility for his very severe drug addiction. Never in my entire life did I think that I would end up with someone so wrapped up in a destructive lifestyle, but I did. But just like he never gave up on me, I never gave up on him. I continued our relationship the entire time he was in the facility, with absolutely no contact with him during that time. On December 12, 2007 I was finally reunited with him, he had completed his program and was cleared to go home to be with me. That kiss, on that day, is by far the most memorable kiss I have ever had. It also was the last kiss he ever gave to me because just 9 days later, my beautiful boy made one more foolish decision that ended his life.

There are so many gory and depressing details that I am skipping over mostly because those were some of the darkest days of my life, and reliving them is not something I enjoy doing. I missed him more and more every day, and the grieving only increased with time. I felt angry, hurt, and abandoned. While I had not touched drugs even once, they had completely destroyed my life...

...or so I thought.

Looking back on what was 2,250 days ago, I now realize that drugs are the reason I am alive today. They have made me in to a better person. Without that tragic time in my life, I do not think that I could have gained internal strength. I do not think that I would be someone who shows grace, and unconditional love. I do not think that I could ever understand what it means to truly forgive. That relationship, that terrible day, took a lot from me but it also gave me so much more. 

I was destroyed, but the pieces came back together in a way that was new and better than before. God made me beautiful in what was the most ugly, messy, and horrific time in my life. Jacob never gave up on me, I never gave up on him, and God will never gave up on us. It took me a long time to see it, but no matter the struggle, no matter the complete emptiness, no matter what: you will be okay,