I had started a blog, well I actually had nearly finished a blog, about 2 days after my most recent exboyfriend and I had broken up in May. I kid you not, I don't remember writing it or feeling any of those words, but my body clearly needed to expel things and feelings it did not know it had. In all honesty, there is even a good chance this was alcohol-induced. (Heartbreak + IPA's = BAD COMBO). As I sat here, reading my desperate cry for attention, I felt embarrassed. Our breakup did not deserve to be plastered on the internet, and those words did not need to be shared with anyone but Jesus, yet I was SO CLOSE to publishing it.
Hear me out, I know that I was beyond vulnerable and transparent during my healing process after my abusive relationship, but that does not mean that I can or should take to the internet every time my heart hurts. He would not have deserved that, and it would have been a stain on my character. I really don't know why I am writing this...I could have spent the rest of my life with this "secret" but there is something deep in me that told me to speak. So I am speaking.
The internet has made it too easy for us to be seen and paid attention to. Instagram portrays a life fit for an art gallery, Facebook lets us rant about the things we know little to nothing about, and blogs...blogs can hurt people. I could have hurt this person, I could have shamed his name, I could have taken something that broke him just as much as it broke me and belittled it all with the simple click of a button. How dare anyone have that much power. How dare I think I am better than anyone reading this.
I love to write. I love to talk. I love to share. Sometimes that bites me in the ass, and today it did just that. I have been spending the last 2 months recalibrating what relationships healthy relationships look like and doing a lot of messy heart-work to get me to a place where I am dating well. What a huge fudging step in the wrong direction that stupid, pointless, passive-aggressive blog would have been for my journey. A journey that has brought me to meet a wonderful, understanding, exciting man when I didn't deserve it or believe it was possible.
I look at where he and I are, and I am floored at the fact that one simple "click" could have stopped me from being a part of his life. A stupid click that would have been a big, fat 🖕. I logged in to today to start writing again, to start being intentional about something I feel passionate about but lost the motivation and spark to do. Instead, I got a healthy dose of "reality check". This digital-era we are in is my bread and butter...literally my job is dependant on it...but it is also life-taking if used improperly.
I guess I write all of this to say...sometimes things need to be left unsaid. This lesson is probably more for me than any one of you reading this, as my mouth is both my strongest asset and biggest downfall. But if you're the kind of person that struggles with this as well, just remember that Disney taught us this lesson a long time ago. Maybe we could use a refresher.
